That '70s Show (1998–2006)
Laura Prepon: Donna Pinciotti
Steven Hyde : Guys, can we do something besides cruise? That's the third time tonight we've driven by that house.
Michael Kelso : I know what we could do. We could go skinny dipping.
[everyone looks at him]
Michael Kelso : Naked! That's the way God intended.
Jackie Burkhardt : No way.
Michael Kelso : Why not? It'd be fun.
Donna Pinciotti : Sure, it's fun for you guys, 'cause you can look at us, and that's a treat. But we just look at you. And that's nasty.
Eric : So, you don't want to do it?
Donna Pinciotti : Well... I don't care. I'll do it.
Eric : You... Okay, I'm in.
Fez : Naked is dirty.
Fez : Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
All : Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
Jackie Burkhardt : [the screen flips. Everyone is in the car, naked] This was such a great idea, Michael. This was so much fun. Oh, wait, except for the part when our clothes got stolen, you idiot!
Steven Hyde : By the way, Fez, nice tattoo, man.
Fez : Thank you. It is the Blessed Virgin of Yorba Linda. Do you want to see her dance?
All : No!
Eric : Guys, we need a plan. I'm not driving up to the house with a car full of naked people. Red hates you guys when you're dressed.
Steven Hyde : We can go to my house.
Michael Kelso : Yeah, your mom's used of having naked guys around.
Steven Hyde : She's not even home, you moron!
[Hyde punches Kelso on the shoulder]
Fez : Put on the top forty.
[Fez reaches over for the radio]
Steven Hyde : Whoa, sit down, Fez! I see London, I see Besticle!
Fez : Well, what do you want me to do about it?
Steven Hyde : I don't know. Tuck it in!
Donna : Kelso, I'm gonna miss you trying to grab my boob... it makes me feel pretty. God, I'm sad.
Donna Pinciotti : [on the California beach] I miss Eric. That guy even looks like Eric.
Donna Pinciotti : Eric? Oh my God, Eric!
Eric : [Looking around Kelso's van, he turns sharp at Donna's voice] Donna!
[They run to each other in slow motion, Kelso tries to run along side Donna, but Donna pushes him down; they stop short of each other, just staring deeply into each other's eyes for a long moment and then... Kelso tackles Donna, wrestling her to the ground. Incredulous]
Eric : Kelso, what the Hell are you doing?
Michael Kelso : Winning!
[Donna gets free, stands up and kicks Kelso in the side, then returns to looking at Eric]
Donna Pinciotti : Eric... I can't believe you came for me.
Eric : Of course I did. Donna... Donna I love you. And I... I...
[he can't find the words]
Donna Pinciotti : [Steps forward and kisses him passionately]
Michael Kelso : You guys can smooch all you want, I totally won!
Jackie Burkhardt : Eric, no offense, I know she's your sister, but Laurie is such a whore.
Eric : Jackie, not since the "Smokey and the Bandit" debate, are you and I so on the same page.
Donna Pinciotti : Me too.
Steven Hyde : Hear hear.
Fez : Yes.
Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, my God. You all hate Laurie?
Jackie Burkhardt : I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me.
Steven Hyde : ...We all hate Laurie, all right.
Michael Kelso : I'm sorry. Look, I've been screwed by Darwinism... never needed to evolve listening skills 'cause my looks are so highly developed.
Donna Pinciotti : Um, that's not how evolution works.
Michael Kelso : Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right? But I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.
Steven Hyde : Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.
Donna Pinciotti : I like showing my butt. I like to show it and I like to shake it.
Donna Pinciotti : Do you think Eric could cheat on me with Shelley?
Michael Kelso : Donna, Shelley's a tramp. No guy could ever turn down a tramp.
Donna Pinciotti : Oh, my god. Is that true?
Steven Hyde : I don't know. Let's find out. Laurie, have you ever been turned down?
Laurie Forman : No.
Steven Hyde : See?
Donna Pinciotti : Mom, when you and dad got into an argument, did you ever... You know...
Midge Pinciotti : What?
Donna Pinciotti : Well, have you ever... Stopped having sex with dad in order to win an argument?
Midge Pinciotti : You can do that?
Donna Pinciotti : Yeah, but...
Midge Pinciotti : You mean that if I stop having sex with your father, he'll paint the bathroom?
Donna Pinciotti : Yeah, but aren't you worried about how it can hurt the relationship?
Midge Pinciotti : Blah, blah, blah. I don't care. I'm getting my bathroom painted.
Jackie Burkhardt : Donna, are you OK?
Donna Pinciotti : Yeah.
Jackie Burkhardt : How can you be OK? There's a college *woman* sleeping in Eric's bed.
Donna Pinciotti : Jackie, Eric's sleeping in the basement.
Jackie Burkhardt : Donna, stairs can't stop a high school horn dog. Barbed wire can't stop a high school horn dog. A wall of fire can't stop a high school horn dog.
Donna Pinciotti : [after Eric reads Donna's journal when she leaves the room] Did you read my journal?
Eric : What journal?
Donna Pinciotti : You know, my "captain's log".
Eric : No, oh, no. I was just um, I was uh, going through your underwear drawer. Yeah, I know... that's why I look so guilty. Because I was like you know, taking out your underwear, and rubbing it against my skin. I can't stay away from your underwear that's my curse. So, anyway... see you tomorrow.
Eric : [Kelso, Jackie, Donna and Eric are in a drive in movie. Donna and Jackie screams and hides in the car, then Kelso gets Erics attention, then Eric shoves his face back, then Jackie grabs Kelso face] Donna, it's just a movie.
[Donna gets up. Then Kelso and Jackie starts kicking them in the head while making out]
Eric : Do you want to sit somewhere else?
Donna Pinciotti : So bad.
[they try to get out of the car while Kelso and Jackie were still kicking them]
Donna Pinciotti : You have to tell Kelso. If you don't, I will.
Jackie Burkhardt : Thank you, Donna! Thank you! Oh, thank you!
[she runs to the bathroom door]
Donna Pinciotti : Jackie, I don't want to tell him!
[a crash is heard. Donna and Jackie goes out of the bathroom, they see Kelso passed out on the floor while Fez is slapping his face side to side]
Jackie Burkhardt : I think he knows.
Donna Pinciotti : [when Eric wears a Chicago Bears jersey at a Green Bay Packer game] The Packers are like the Jedi. You're wearing a 'Go Darth Vader' jersey.
Eric : You know Donna, I'm not surprised you're in my bed. I knew you couldn't resist me any longer.
Donna : No I couldn't. I want you. I need you.
Eric : Well, I never turn down a woman in need.
[wraps his arms around her]
Donna : You know, being here in you bed. On your... SpiderMan sheets. Makes me feel so Ready, so Willing.
Eric : Then call me Able.
Eric : Oh, a little mood music.
[turns on a clock radio. Romantic music about a dream plays while he kisses her]
Eric : [dissolve to Eric waking up alone in his bed] Damn.
Donna : [off camera] What's wrong?
Eric : [Eric screams] Aggh!
[Eric sees the real Donna kneeling next to his bed]
Eric : I mean... hey baby!
Kelso : Whatever. You know, none of this is as bad as Hyde not telling me. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make him tell me.
Donna : How are you gonna do that?
Michael Kelso : By outwitting him conversationally. What a fine game of cat and mouse it will be.
Eric : So what are you gonna say?
Michael Kelso : Oh, it'll come to me in the moment.
Donna : Don't you think you should plan it out a little?
Michael Kelso : Does an astronaut plan out his missions?
Fez : What happens in cat and mouse if the cat is retarded?
Michael Kelso : Oh, you just wait and see.
Fez : Who are you?
Rhonda : Fez, it's me Rhonda.
Fez : So do you want to have a hot-dog eating contest?
Rhonda : No. It's not kosher.
Fez : Who said?
Rhonda : [pointing to Jackie and Donna] They did.
Fez : Oh, really?
[turning to Donna and Jackie]
Fez : What have you meddling whores done to my Rhonda?
Donna Pinciotti : I've got to tell you, Fez it was all Jackie's idea. She wouldn't let her pee.
Jackie Burkhardt : You said she was a sasquatch.
Donna Pinciotti : So did you.
Donna Pinciotti : Dammit, Kelso. You don't french the bride.
Donna Pinciotti : I can't believe Laurie bit me. I hope she didn't give me like, slut rabies.
[Kelso is clumsy with a gun]
Donna Pinciotti : Kelso, careful with that.
Michael Kelso : Don't worry, guns don't just go off by accident.
Donna Pinciotti : What about Eric's hamster in fourth grade?
Eric : Oh, no, my hamster went upstate to live with a new family upstate. Right?
[Nobody says anything]
Eric : Oh, my god. You killed my hamster.
Michael Kelso : It wasn't my fault. The gun went off by accident.
Eric : What happened? Did Kelso forget your birthday or something?
Jackie Burkhardt : I'm pregnant.
Donna Pinciotti : [outside. Donna is playing basketball with Eric. She runs and makes a shot, then she tosses the ball to Eric, which it hits his head, then he turns] Eric, you're like a million miles away. What's going on?
Eric : Ok, Donna. I have to tell you something, but you promise you're not going to tell anybody else.
Donna Pinciotti : Dirt! I swear. Now tell me.
Eric : Not here.
[they run in the car]
Eric : [no audio] Jackie's pregnant.
[Donna makes a shocking face]
Fez : Caroline, I have to break up with you.
Caroline : Why? Don't say it's because I'm crazy. I'm not crazy.
Fez : No... um... it's because... Donna and I are in love.
Caroline : WHAT?
Jackie Burkhardt : Ewww...
Fez : Please tell her, Donna... Please?
Donna Pinciotti : [whispers] What if she tries to kill me?
Fez : You're a giant, you can take her.
[Donna, Jackie, Laurie and Ms. McGee are smoking up]
Donna Pinciotti : You know, I just realized that I'm the only one here who hasn't been with Kelso. I just have two things to say- EWWW and THANK GOD.
Jackie Burkhardt : Ok, Donna, I got us a double date.
Donna Pinciotti : Who?
Jackie Burkhardt : [points to table] Firemen.
Donna Pinciotti : They're, like, 40 years old.
Jackie Burkhardt : So, what? Don't ruin this for me, Donna. This is just like my play.
[drags Donna to table]
Jackie Burkhardt : This is my friend Donna. She's just being a wet blanket.
Fireman #1 : So, what do you girls do?
Donna Pinciotti : Oh, you know... WE'RE IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Fireman #2 : Okay... What are your interests?
Donna Pinciotti : Oh, you know... HIGH SCHOOL GUYS.
Donna Pinciotti : I don't get Eric. Why won't he wear that ring? A lot of classy men wear rings. The Pope does. My uncle Carmine in Hoboken does. You lose his ring, you wind up in a dumpster. And that's just a warning.
Kitty Forman : Ok, I need two people with keen feminine sensibilities to decorate Steven's party... so it's Jackie... and Fez.
Fez : Yay.
Jackie Burkhardt : Come on Fez, let's go.
[Fez and Jackie leave]
Donna Pinciotti : What the hell does she mean? I'm feminine. I oughta kick her ass for that...
[Bob is having a ridiculously festive sale at his store]
Bob Pinciotti : What are you, ashamed of me?
Donna Pinciotti : Well, look around, dad.
Bob Pinciotti : Oh, I get it. But, let me tell you something. You see a clown, I see you in college. You see your dad dressed as a ringmaster, I see you in grad school. You see a monkey in a tutu... Well that just makes me laugh.
[the women are playing cards]
Donna Pinciotti : Anybody need any cards.
Jackie Burkhardt : [gives her two cards] I need two fives.
Midge Pinciotti : I need one card.
[Donna gives her a card]
Midge Pinciotti : A five? Oh, here, Jackie. You take it.
Jackie Burkhardt : Donna, you gave her a five? I thought we were friends.
Jackie Burkhardt : Didn't know they let slutballs in here.
Annette : Well, I've seen you in here so I figured it was okay.
Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, you don't know it, but you just burnt yourself.
Annette : Oh, I know it. The question is, do you?
Jackie Burkhardt : I just said I do.
Annette : So do I, so you are too.
Eric : Donna, are you following this?
Donna Pinciotti : Umm... I think one of them's a slutball and one of them knows it.
Annette : I think what we need to do is go talk about Michael.
Jackie Burkhardt : Fine. I'll try to use small words so you can understand me.
Annette : That's NOT going to be good enough.
Eric : Did you hear that? The shrill voice, the bossy tone, the random hatred of all things that bounce? My God, she's Jackie.
Donna Pinciotti : A new Jackie.
Eric : A blonde Jackie.
[Telling Grandma Bea that they are engaged]
Eric : We're gonna do what Luke Skywalker was too afraid to do: use the dark side to our advantage.
Donna Pinciotti : Eric, if we're gonna be married you've got to ease up on the Star Wars stuff. It doesn't apply to everything.
Eric : [Looking disappointed] I'm gonna have to rewrite my vows.
[the screen is split in two parts. On top, Donna is talking to Jackie. On bottom, Eric is talking to Kelso]
Eric : I really want to do it with her.
Donna Pinciotti : I don't know if I'm ready to do it with him.
Michael Kelso : I know what you mean.
Michael Kelso : It's Donna.
Jackie Burkhardt : I know what you mean.
Jackie Burkhardt : It's Eric.
Eric Forman, Donna Pinciotti : What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Michael Kelso, Jackie Burkhardt : Nothing.
Eric : I mean, you and Jackie have done it millions of times, right?
Michael Kelso : Oh, yeah. We do it all the time.
Donna Pinciotti : I mean, you and Kelso have done it millions of times, right?
Jackie Burkhardt : No. I let him get to second base once, but that's it.
Donna Pinciotti : What are you doing?
Michael Kelso : Jackie gave me this egg to take care of, so me and Hyde are throwing it back and forth.
Donna Pinciotti : Look, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but Jackie gave you that egg as a test. She's trying to see if you have any parenting skills.
Michael Kelso : Oh, really? Hyde, better give that back.
Steven Hyde : All right.
[throws it, but it flies back and smashes against the wall]
Steven Hyde : Whoops. I mean, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Eric : It was supposed to be 'Guys' Night Out'. And then comes Hyde's skank of the week to ruin it all. We were friends since, like, always. And all it took to ruin it was a pair of lop-sided boobs. That's right, I noticed and I didn't say anything... Because I'm nice.
Donna Pinciotti : I had to talk to my dad's new girlfriend about the sex they're having.
Eric : Yeah, okay, you win.
Eric : You know, Donna, failing classes is not the only way to get attention from your parents. A lot of girls, when they're having a bad time at home, just go slutty.
Donna Pinciotti : You know what Eric? You're right. Let's have sex right now.
Eric : Really?
Donna Pinciotti : No.
Eric : Stop doing that.
[after Kelso tells them that he wants to be a cop]
Donna : It's actually kind of perfect for him. I mean, he can run through people's backyards with a stick. (the guys look at her like she's nuts) What? He does that anyway.
[a cop catches Eric and Donna getting intimate in the Vista Cruiser]
Eric : [to Donna] Don't worry; I have a plan.
Eric : [to the cop] GO... AWAY.
Donna Pinciotti : That's it? That's your plan? That's not a good plan.
Eric : Yeah... no, that's the plan. I mean, we're completely naked. He'll... probably just go away.
[the cop doesn't budge]
Eric : Crap. Have you seen my pants?
Donna : Tater Nuts! Tater Nuts!
Eric : [about Eric's unflattering portrayal in Donna's story] People are going to think I'm really like that.
Donna Pinciotti : Oh, come on. Nobody's going to think you're like that.
Girl #1 : [the two girls walk up to Eric] Cat killer.
Girl #2 : Bastard.
Girl #1 : Porn freak.
[they walk off disgusted]
Donna Pinciotti : OK, they could be talking about anybody.
Steven Hyde : Hey, we're all porn-freak bastards. But he's the only one who killed a cat.
Donna Pinciotti : You know what I love about Hyde? He's always beating up Kelso.
Michael Kelso : Uh! That is false! Name one time.
Donna Pinciotti : Gladly.
Steven Hyde : [scene switches to the gang sitting around the Forman's kitchen table, eating] Mmmmm, I love mashed potatoes.
Michael Kelso : Really?
[spits some on Hyde's plate, which makes Hyde shove Kelso down and start punching him]
Michael Kelso : Augh! My eye!
Steven Hyde : [scene switches to the gang playing basketball in the driveway] That's a foul.
Michael Kelso : You know what's foul? Your playing.
[throws the basketball at Hyde, who tackles Kelso and starts punching him]
Michael Kelso : Owwww! That's my eye!
Steven Hyde : [scene switches to the gang sitting in the basement watching TV, when Kelso comes in and changes the channel] Change it back, I was watching that.
Michael Kelso : No.
Steven Hyde : CHANGE IT BACK.
Michael Kelso : NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
[Hyde knocks Kelso over the couch and begins punching]
Michael Kelso : Waaah-haa-haaa! My eye!
Michael Kelso : [scene switches back to where it started] Seriously, dude. You keep hurting my eye.
Donna : [after being dumped by Casey; crying] We should be together.
Eric : What?
Donna : [embraces Eric tightly, eyes full of tears] L-lets just forget all this other stuff.
Eric : [pushing her away] N-no. Donna, I can't be your second choice.
Donna : [voice cracking] But you're *not*! Eric...
[he refuses to look at her; heart broken, she leaves]
Fez : [thinks he sees Laurie naked] Hey, are you naked or are you just happy to see me?
Donna Pinciotti : [turns around, completely naked, her eyes go wide in shock] Oh, my God, Fez!
[she ducks down out of sight]
Fez : [wide eyed] Oh, my God, Donna!
[thinking to himself]
Fez : Don't worry, just turn on the charm...
Fez : Hey, nice honkers!
Donna Pinciotti : Get out of here!
[starts throwing rocks at him]
Donna Pinciotti : Wow, Jackie. After everything you've been through with Hyde, you come here and insult me! You're all better.
Jackie Burkhardt : Well, I'm not going to sit around moping. I'm going to do what every woman does when they hit rock bottom.
Fez : You're going to have sex with me?
Jackie Burkhardt : No, I'm going to go out and meet some boys. And crush their hearts one by one.
Jackie Burkhardt : [drunk] Ah, come back here! Nobody ignores "Jurkie Barkheart." I am adorable, I'm encouraging, and I'm damn likeable and if you're too stupid too see that then I feel sorry for you!
[her dress slides down]
Jackie Burkhardt : 'Cause if anyone should be the center of attention it's me!
Donna Pinciotti : Jackie!
Jackie Burkhardt : [as Donna tries twice to pull Jackie's dress back up, Jackie slaps her hand away] Get off me!
[Donna then whispers in her ear]
Jackie Burkhardt : What the hell is a "boobsout"?
[looks down, screams and runs into the bathroom]
Donna Pinciotti : [after Charlie fell off the water tower] That was a pretty awkward landing, I hope he's OK.
Michael Kelso : Of course he's OK, it's not like anyone's ever died falling off the water tower.
Kitty Forman : [next scene] And so they renamed it The Charlie Richardson Memorial Water Tower.