That '70s Show (TV Series 1998–2006) Poster


Laura Prepon: Donna Pinciotti



  • [Donna and Kelso are hiding under a bed] 

    Donna Pinciotti : Is that your hand on my ass?

    Michael Kelso : It was an accident.

    Donna Pinciotti : Kelso, your hand's still on my ass.

    Michael Kelso : IT'S STILL AN ACCIDENT.

  • Red Forman : [to Eric]  So, this is how an immature, engaged, high school dumbass, with no car, no job, and no money trims the hedges.

    Steven Hyde : That was like eight burns in one sentence.

    Donna Pinciotti : An octo-burn. Let's get outta here.

  • Steven Hyde : Guys, can we do something besides cruise? That's the third time tonight we've driven by that house.

    Michael Kelso : I know what we could do. We could go skinny dipping.

    [everyone looks at him] 

    Michael Kelso : Naked! That's the way God intended.

    Jackie Burkhardt : No way.

    Michael Kelso : Why not? It'd be fun.

    Donna Pinciotti : Sure, it's fun for you guys, 'cause you can look at us, and that's a treat. But we just look at you. And that's nasty.

    Eric : So, you don't want to do it?

    Donna Pinciotti : Well... I don't care. I'll do it.

    Eric : You... Okay, I'm in.

    Fez : Naked is dirty.


    Fez : Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.

    All : Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.

    Jackie Burkhardt : [the screen flips. Everyone is in the car, naked]  This was such a great idea, Michael. This was so much fun. Oh, wait, except for the part when our clothes got stolen, you idiot!

    Steven Hyde : By the way, Fez, nice tattoo, man.

    Fez : Thank you. It is the Blessed Virgin of Yorba Linda. Do you want to see her dance?

    All : No!

    Eric : Guys, we need a plan. I'm not driving up to the house with a car full of naked people. Red hates you guys when you're dressed.

    Steven Hyde : We can go to my house.

    Michael Kelso : Yeah, your mom's used of having naked guys around.

    Steven Hyde : She's not even home, you moron!

    [Hyde punches Kelso on the shoulder] 

    Fez : Put on the top forty.

    [Fez reaches over for the radio] 

    Steven Hyde : Whoa, sit down, Fez! I see London, I see Besticle!

    Fez : Well, what do you want me to do about it?

    Steven Hyde : I don't know. Tuck it in!

  • Jackie Burkhardt : Eric, no offense, I know she's your sister, but Laurie is such a whore.

    Eric : Jackie, not since the "Smokey and the Bandit" debate, are you and I so on the same page.

    Donna Pinciotti : Me too.

    Steven Hyde : Hear hear.

    Fez : Yes.

    Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, my God. You all hate Laurie?

    [Everyone nods] 

    Jackie Burkhardt : I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me.

    Steven Hyde : ...We all hate Laurie, all right.

  • Donna : Kelso, I'm gonna miss you trying to grab my boob... it makes me feel pretty. God, I'm sad.

  • Donna Pinciotti : [on the California beach]  I miss Eric. That guy even looks like Eric.

    [Double take] 

    Donna Pinciotti : Eric? Oh my God, Eric!

    Eric : [Looking around Kelso's van, he turns sharp at Donna's voice]  Donna!

    [They run to each other in slow motion, Kelso tries to run along side Donna, but Donna pushes him down; they stop short of each other, just staring deeply into each other's eyes for a long moment and then... Kelso tackles Donna, wrestling her to the ground. Incredulous] 

    Eric : Kelso, what the Hell are you doing?

    Michael Kelso : Winning!

    [Donna gets free, stands up and kicks Kelso in the side, then returns to looking at Eric] 

    Donna Pinciotti : Eric... I can't believe you came for me.

    Eric : Of course I did. Donna... Donna I love you. And I... I...

    [he can't find the words] 

    Donna Pinciotti : [Steps forward and kisses him passionately] 

    Michael Kelso : You guys can smooch all you want, I totally won!

    [walks off] 

  • Donna : If you keep stuffing your face like this your gonna get...

    Jackie Burkhardt : Don't you dare say it, you bitch!

    Donna : Fat!

  • Donna Pinciotti : You have the van. We want to go home.

    Michael Kelso : Na-ah! I can't leave Annette. I love her.

    Eric : No, you don't.

    Michael Kelso : I love parts of her.

  • [Jackie is beating up Laurie after one insult too many] 

    Donna Pinciotti : Whatever happened to Zen?

    Steven Hyde : Where Zen ends, ass-kicking begins.

  • Michael Kelso : I'm sorry. Look, I've been screwed by Darwinism... never needed to evolve listening skills 'cause my looks are so highly developed.

    Donna Pinciotti : Um, that's not how evolution works.

    Michael Kelso : Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right? But I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.

    Steven Hyde : Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.

  • Donna Pinciotti : I like showing my butt. I like to show it and I like to shake it.

  • [Donna reads Hyde's elementary school profile] 

    Donna Pinciotti : Steven is destined to be one of the smartest people...

    Steven Hyde : Nice.

    Donna Pinciotti : ?in his cellblock.

  • Donna Pinciotti : Do you think Eric could cheat on me with Shelley?

    Michael Kelso : Donna, Shelley's a tramp. No guy could ever turn down a tramp.

    Donna Pinciotti : Oh, my god. Is that true?

    Steven Hyde : I don't know. Let's find out. Laurie, have you ever been turned down?

    Laurie Forman : No.

    Steven Hyde : See?

  • Donna Pinciotti : Jackie, I went on the pill.

    Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, my God. You are going to be so popular.

  • Michael Kelso : What does he have that I don't? I mean, I have the three things women want: I'm hot and I'm smart.

    Donna Pinciotti : That's two things you moron.

    Michael Kelso : Nuh-uh, hot counts twice.

  • Donna Pinciotti : Mom, when you and dad got into an argument, did you ever... You know...

    Midge Pinciotti : What?

    Donna Pinciotti : Well, have you ever... Stopped having sex with dad in order to win an argument?

    Midge Pinciotti : You can do that?

    Donna Pinciotti : Yeah, but...

    Midge Pinciotti : You mean that if I stop having sex with your father, he'll paint the bathroom?

    Donna Pinciotti : Yeah, but aren't you worried about how it can hurt the relationship?

    Midge Pinciotti : Blah, blah, blah. I don't care. I'm getting my bathroom painted.

  • [Eric took blame for Donna's smoking in school] 

    Donna Pinciotti : So how'd your parents react?

    Eric : Surprisingly, not so good. It turns out that Red has a temper.

  • Jackie Burkhardt : Donna, are you OK?

    Donna Pinciotti : Yeah.

    Jackie Burkhardt : How can you be OK? There's a college *woman* sleeping in Eric's bed.

    Donna Pinciotti : Jackie, Eric's sleeping in the basement.

    Jackie Burkhardt : Donna, stairs can't stop a high school horn dog. Barbed wire can't stop a high school horn dog. A wall of fire can't stop a high school horn dog.

  • [after finding out that Eric kissed another girl] 

    Donna : Why'd you do it?

    Eric : Well, I have it on pretty good authority that I'm a dumbass.

  • [the day after Eric dumped Donna] 

    Eric : Hey.

    Donna Pinciotti : That's all you have to say to me? "Hey"?

    Eric : Well, what do you want me to say?

    Donna Pinciotti : I want you to say "Hey". Dillhole.

    Eric : Oh, yeah? Well, DOUBLE DILLHOLE.

    [Donna leaves] 

    Eric : [to himself]  Double dillhole?...

  • Donna Pinciotti : [after Eric reads Donna's journal when she leaves the room]  Did you read my journal?

    Eric : What journal?

    Donna Pinciotti : You know, my "captain's log".

    Eric : No, oh, no. I was just um, I was uh, going through your underwear drawer. Yeah, I know... that's why I look so guilty. Because I was like you know, taking out your underwear, and rubbing it against my skin. I can't stay away from your underwear that's my curse. So, anyway... see you tomorrow.

  • Eric : [Kelso, Jackie, Donna and Eric are in a drive in movie. Donna and Jackie screams and hides in the car, then Kelso gets Erics attention, then Eric shoves his face back, then Jackie grabs Kelso face]  Donna, it's just a movie.

    [Donna gets up. Then Kelso and Jackie starts kicking them in the head while making out] 

    Eric : Do you want to sit somewhere else?

    Donna Pinciotti : So bad.

    [they try to get out of the car while Kelso and Jackie were still kicking them] 

  • Donna Pinciotti : You have to tell Kelso. If you don't, I will.

    Jackie Burkhardt : Thank you, Donna! Thank you! Oh, thank you!

    [she runs to the bathroom door] 

    Donna Pinciotti : Jackie, I don't want to tell him!

    [a crash is heard. Donna and Jackie goes out of the bathroom, they see Kelso passed out on the floor while Fez is slapping his face side to side] 

    Jackie Burkhardt : I think he knows.

  • Donna Pinciotti : [when Eric wears a Chicago Bears jersey at a Green Bay Packer game]  The Packers are like the Jedi. You're wearing a 'Go Darth Vader' jersey.

  • Eric : You know Donna, I'm not surprised you're in my bed. I knew you couldn't resist me any longer.

    Donna : No I couldn't. I want you. I need you.

    Eric : Well, I never turn down a woman in need.

    [wraps his arms around her] 

    Donna : You know, being here in you bed. On your... SpiderMan sheets. Makes me feel so Ready, so Willing.

    Eric : Then call me Able.

    [kisses her] 

    Eric : Oh, a little mood music.

    [turns on a clock radio. Romantic music about a dream plays while he kisses her] 

    Eric : [dissolve to Eric waking up alone in his bed]  Damn.

    Donna : [off camera]  What's wrong?

    Eric : [Eric screams]  Aggh!

    [Eric sees the real Donna kneeling next to his bed] 

    Eric : I mean... hey baby!

  • Donna Pinciotti : I love you, Eric.

    Eric : I love... cake.

    Eric : [in a later scene]  Donna, it's just that... if I say it, and then we break up, what would I tell myself?

    Donna Pinciotti : You could tell yourself you still have cake, we both know how much it means to you.

    Eric : OK, I deserve that.

  • Donna Pinciotti : Excuse me Jackie, when did you lose your soul?

    Jackie Burkhardt : Cheerleading camp.

  • [about Eric's parents] 

    Donna Pinciotti : I can't believe they're pregnant.

    Eric : I can't believe they're still doing it.

  • Kelso : Whatever. You know, none of this is as bad as Hyde not telling me. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make him tell me.

    Donna : How are you gonna do that?

    Michael Kelso : By outwitting him conversationally. What a fine game of cat and mouse it will be.

    Eric : So what are you gonna say?

    Michael Kelso : Oh, it'll come to me in the moment.

    Donna : Don't you think you should plan it out a little?

    Michael Kelso : Does an astronaut plan out his missions?

    Fez : What happens in cat and mouse if the cat is retarded?

    Michael Kelso : Oh, you just wait and see.

  • Fez : Who are you?

    Rhonda : Fez, it's me Rhonda.

    Fez : So do you want to have a hot-dog eating contest?

    Rhonda : No. It's not kosher.

    Fez : Who said?

    Rhonda : [pointing to Jackie and Donna]  They did.

    Fez : Oh, really?

    [turning to Donna and Jackie] 

    Fez : What have you meddling whores done to my Rhonda?

    Donna Pinciotti : I've got to tell you, Fez it was all Jackie's idea. She wouldn't let her pee.

    Jackie Burkhardt : You said she was a sasquatch.

    Donna Pinciotti : So did you.

  • Donna Pinciotti : You want my honest opinion, Jackie? Fine. You always try to get people to do what you want, and it's not going to work on Hyde.

    Jackie Burkhardt : That's not true. Now, you take that back and feel sorry for me.

  • Donna Pinciotti : What is it about you that drives me wild with passion and desire?

    Eric : Well, I am... seventeen now.

  • Eric : You smell great. What did you do?

    Donna Pinciotti : I took a bath. I was thinking of you the whole time.

    Eric : Hey I do the same thing in the shower.

    Donna Pinciotti : What?

    Eric : Nothing.

  • [Fez kisses Jackie] 

    Donna Pinciotti : What was so good about it?

    Jackie Burkhardt : Do you know like Fez talks he sometimes rolls his Rs? Well, that's what he did in my mouth.

  • Kitty Forman : My parents are coming tomorrow.

    Red Forman : Oh, crap.

    Kitty Forman : Red.

    Donna Pinciotti : What's wrong with them.

    Kitty Forman : It's a complicated situation.

    Eric : Grandma yells, grandpa drinks.

  • Donna Pinciotti : Why does your dad want to ruin my dad's barbecue?

    Eric : Well, my dad thinks that if your dad's barbecue is better than his, the russkies are gonna take over the planet.

  • Michael Kelso : It's a girl!

    [takes out pictures] 

    Michael Kelso : Here, look.

    Donna Pinciotti : Aw, she's adorable! What's her name?

    Michael Kelso : Betsy.

    Jackie Burkhardt : [gasps in horror]  A fat girl's name!

  • Donna Pinciotti : Oh, my god what is she doing here? She could ruin everything.

    Eric : Oh, don't worry. She isn't here today as a math teacher who's failing me. No, she's here today as a cradle robbing slut.

  • Donna Pinciotti : Dammit, Kelso. You don't french the bride.

  • Donna Pinciotti : I can't believe Laurie bit me. I hope she didn't give me like, slut rabies.

  • [Kelso is clumsy with a gun] 

    Donna Pinciotti : Kelso, careful with that.

    Michael Kelso : Don't worry, guns don't just go off by accident.

    Donna Pinciotti : What about Eric's hamster in fourth grade?

    Eric : Oh, no, my hamster went upstate to live with a new family upstate. Right?

    [Nobody says anything] 

    Eric : Oh, my god. You killed my hamster.

    Michael Kelso : It wasn't my fault. The gun went off by accident.

  • Steven Hyde : Forman's first suspension... I'm so proud.

    Michael Kelso : Whoa, back up. Why'd he get suspended?

    Donna Pinciotti : Because he's stupid.

    Michael Kelso : [terrified]  They can do that?

  • Fez : I'm going to spend the rest of my American money on candy and porno.

    Donna : But, Fez.

    Fez : I said candy and porno!

  • Jackie Burkhardt : How do you feel about his hair?

    Donna Pinciotti : Love it, lots of body.

    Jackie Burkhardt : And his body?

    Donna Pinciotti : Love it, lots of hair.

  • Donna Pinciotti : So, is it true?

    Jackie Burkhardt : Yes, Donna, it is true. I am carrying Michael Kelso's child.

    Donna Pinciotti : Jackie, you're a sophomore. How can you be so stupid?

    Jackie Burkhardt : I'm a sophomore.

  • Eric : What happened? Did Kelso forget your birthday or something?

    Jackie Burkhardt : I'm pregnant.

    [Eric gasps] 

    Donna Pinciotti : [outside. Donna is playing basketball with Eric. She runs and makes a shot, then she tosses the ball to Eric, which it hits his head, then he turns]  Eric, you're like a million miles away. What's going on?

    Eric : Ok, Donna. I have to tell you something, but you promise you're not going to tell anybody else.

    Donna Pinciotti : Dirt! I swear. Now tell me.

    Eric : Not here.

    [they run in the car] 

    Eric : [no audio]  Jackie's pregnant.

    [Donna makes a shocking face] 

  • Fez : Caroline, I have to break up with you.

    Caroline : Why? Don't say it's because I'm crazy. I'm not crazy.

    Fez : No... um... it's because... Donna and I are in love.

    Caroline : WHAT?

    Jackie Burkhardt : Ewww...

    Fez : Please tell her, Donna... Please?

    Donna Pinciotti : [whispers]  What if she tries to kill me?

    Fez : You're a giant, you can take her.

  • Jackie Burkhardt : Don't pity me because I'm beautiful.

    Donna Pinciotti : I pity you because you're dumb.

  • Fez : Guys, I'm in pain.

    Donna Pinciotti : Yeah, I know, Fez. It hurts when a girl you like ignores you.

    Fez : No. I mean I kissed her, and now I am in PAIN.

    Donna Pinciotti : Eww.

  • Donna Pinciotti : So, how many things around here have you put your butt on?

    Michael Kelso : Let's start with what I haven't put my butt on.

  • Donna Pinciotti : Just because a guy wants to pay attention to me, does not mean he wants to see me naked.

    Eric : OH, GROW UP.

    Donna Pinciotti : Is that why you pay attention to me?

    Eric : OF COURSE... not. Of course not. I love your mind. That's the thing I love.

  • [Midge left Bob] 

    Bob Pinciotti : I don't get it. She didn't give me any sign, any warning.

    Donna Pinciotti : Dad, she kept saying "I'm unhappy and I'm going to leave".

    Bob Pinciotti : Donna, that's just something married people say.

  • [Donna, Jackie, Laurie and Ms. McGee are smoking up] 

    Donna Pinciotti : You know, I just realized that I'm the only one here who hasn't been with Kelso. I just have two things to say- EWWW and THANK GOD.

  • Eric : Did you tell anybody we're engaged?

    Donna Pinciotti : Yes, Eric, I have no self control and I told the pretzel vendor we're engaged.

    Eric : Ok, no need to be sarcastic.

    Donna Pinciotti : No, seriously, I have no self control and I told the pretzel vendor we're engaged.

  • Jackie Burkhardt : Ok, Donna, I got us a double date.

    Donna Pinciotti : Who?

    Jackie Burkhardt : [points to table]  Firemen.

    Donna Pinciotti : They're, like, 40 years old.

    Jackie Burkhardt : So, what? Don't ruin this for me, Donna. This is just like my play.

    [drags Donna to table] 

    Jackie Burkhardt : This is my friend Donna. She's just being a wet blanket.

    Fireman #1 : So, what do you girls do?

    Donna Pinciotti : Oh, you know... WE'RE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

    Fireman #2 : Okay... What are your interests?

    Donna Pinciotti : Oh, you know... HIGH SCHOOL GUYS.

  • Donna Pinciotti : I don't get Eric. Why won't he wear that ring? A lot of classy men wear rings. The Pope does. My uncle Carmine in Hoboken does. You lose his ring, you wind up in a dumpster. And that's just a warning.

  • Kitty Forman : Ok, I need two people with keen feminine sensibilities to decorate Steven's party... so it's Jackie... and Fez.

    [Kitty leaves] 

    Fez : Yay.

    Jackie Burkhardt : Come on Fez, let's go.

    [Fez and Jackie leave] 

    Donna Pinciotti : What the hell does she mean? I'm feminine. I oughta kick her ass for that...

  • Donna Pinciotti : My parents are going to the Playboy mansion this weekend. Anybody want souvenirs?

    Steven Hyde : Ashtrays.

    Fez : A woman.

  • Fez : Well, hello there, pretty lady. Who might you be?

    Donna Pinciotti : That's my sister. And, she's 14.

    Fez : You know, in my country...

    Steven Hyde : It's illegal here.

    Fez : Oh.

  • Kitty Forman : Ok. Ok. Let's just keep the game going.

    [picks a card] 

    Kitty Forman : Donna. If you were a shoe, whose shoe would you be?

    Donna Pinciotti : Well, I wouldn't want to be Red's shoe because it's about to go into somebody's ass.

  • Donna Pinciotti : What do you guys want to do after you graduate?

    Eric : Not touch dead people again, ever.

    Fez : I would like to go back to my homeland, with all the knowledge I learned in Wisconsin... and rule with an iron fist.

  • [Bob is having a ridiculously festive sale at his store] 

    Bob Pinciotti : What are you, ashamed of me?

    Donna Pinciotti : Well, look around, dad.

    Bob Pinciotti : Oh, I get it. But, let me tell you something. You see a clown, I see you in college. You see your dad dressed as a ringmaster, I see you in grad school. You see a monkey in a tutu... Well that just makes me laugh.

  • Midge Pinciotti : Women have to be weak and fragile, so that that men can feel superior.

    Donna Pinciotti : That's insane. If women don't learn to stand up for themselves, men will always control the world.

    Midge Pinciotti : Oh honey, men don't control the world.

  • Jackie Burkhardt : Mrs. Pinciotti, would you please tell Donna I'm right? Isn't it great when men act like they own you.

    Midge Pinciotti : Oh, yeah.

    Donna Pinciotti : Mom, what about all those feminist classes you went to?

    Midge Pinciotti : Oh, right... No.

  • [the women are playing cards] 

    Donna Pinciotti : Anybody need any cards.

    Jackie Burkhardt : [gives her two cards]  I need two fives.

    Midge Pinciotti : I need one card.

    [Donna gives her a card] 

    Midge Pinciotti : A five? Oh, here, Jackie. You take it.

    Jackie Burkhardt : Donna, you gave her a five? I thought we were friends.

  • Jackie Burkhardt : Didn't know they let slutballs in here.

    Annette : Well, I've seen you in here so I figured it was okay.

    Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, you don't know it, but you just burnt yourself.

    Annette : Oh, I know it. The question is, do you?

    Jackie Burkhardt : I just said I do.

    Annette : So do I, so you are too.

    Eric : Donna, are you following this?

    Donna Pinciotti : Umm... I think one of them's a slutball and one of them knows it.

    Annette : I think what we need to do is go talk about Michael.

    Jackie Burkhardt : Fine. I'll try to use small words so you can understand me.

    Annette : That's NOT going to be good enough.

  • Donna Pinciotti : Mom, why do I have to do this.

    Midge Pinciotti : Donna, I have to do a lot of things I don't like to make your father happy.

    Donna Pinciotti : EWW, MOM.

    Midge Pinciotti : [laughs]  Oh, not THAT. I love THAT.

  • [on Annette] 

    Eric : Did you hear that? The shrill voice, the bossy tone, the random hatred of all things that bounce? My God, she's Jackie.

    Donna Pinciotti : A new Jackie.

    Eric : A blonde Jackie.

    Eric , Donna Pinciotti : Blackie.

    [dramatic music] 

    Eric , Donna Pinciotti : [looking scared]  We are doomed.

  • [Telling Grandma Bea that they are engaged] 

    Eric : We're gonna do what Luke Skywalker was too afraid to do: use the dark side to our advantage.

    Donna Pinciotti : Eric, if we're gonna be married you've got to ease up on the Star Wars stuff. It doesn't apply to everything.

    Eric : [Looking disappointed]  I'm gonna have to rewrite my vows.

  • [the screen is split in two parts. On top, Donna is talking to Jackie. On bottom, Eric is talking to Kelso] 

    Eric : I really want to do it with her.

    Donna Pinciotti : I don't know if I'm ready to do it with him.

    Michael Kelso : I know what you mean.


    Michael Kelso : It's Donna.

    Jackie Burkhardt : I know what you mean.


    Jackie Burkhardt : It's Eric.

    Eric Forman, Donna Pinciotti : What the hell's that supposed to mean?

    Michael Kelso, Jackie Burkhardt : Nothing.

    Eric : I mean, you and Jackie have done it millions of times, right?

    Michael Kelso : Oh, yeah. We do it all the time.

    Donna Pinciotti : I mean, you and Kelso have done it millions of times, right?

    Jackie Burkhardt : No. I let him get to second base once, but that's it.

  • Donna Pinciotti : What are you doing?

    Michael Kelso : Jackie gave me this egg to take care of, so me and Hyde are throwing it back and forth.

    Donna Pinciotti : Look, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but Jackie gave you that egg as a test. She's trying to see if you have any parenting skills.

    Michael Kelso : Oh, really? Hyde, better give that back.

    Steven Hyde : All right.

    [throws it, but it flies back and smashes against the wall] 

    Steven Hyde : Whoops. I mean, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

  • Donna Pinciotti : And exactly whose panties are these?

    Midge Pinciotti : Um, actually, they're mine.

    [Kelso and Fez kneel on the ground] 

    Michael Kelso : Eric. You are a *God*.

  • [Jackie on Michael] 

    Jackie Burkhardt : Look, I need to know that he's really changed. I need to test him somehow.

    Donna Pinciotti : I agree.

    Jackie Burkhardt : You do?

    Donna Pinciotti : Absolutely. If you get back with Kelso, you better have him tested.

  • Donna Pinciotti : [to Eric]  Have you suddenly become the stupidest man ever? I mean, is Kelso no longer the reigning king?

    Michael Kelso : Oh, I'm the king.

  • [Midge left Bob] 

    Steven Hyde : Don't worry, Donna. I mean, my parents splitting up made me the man I am today.

    Donna Pinciotti : Aww, man. Am I gonna go crazy and think the government is out to get me, too?

    Steven Hyde : [angry]  The government IS out to get you.

  • Eric : It was supposed to be 'Guys' Night Out'. And then comes Hyde's skank of the week to ruin it all. We were friends since, like, always. And all it took to ruin it was a pair of lop-sided boobs. That's right, I noticed and I didn't say anything... Because I'm nice.

    Donna Pinciotti : I had to talk to my dad's new girlfriend about the sex they're having.

    Eric : Yeah, okay, you win.

  • [the guys do homework] 

    Donna Pinciotti : If x equals seven, than y equals?

    Jackie Burkhardt : Two?

    Donna Pinciotti : No. Kelso?

    Michael Kelso : Uh, L?

  • Donna Pinciotti : We're gonna graduate in two months, and there's a whole town out there waiting for us. We just have to, you know, grab the bull by the horns.

    Michael Kelso : Hey, I'm gonna tell you from experience, if you're gonna mess with a bull, you better have a backup plan.

  • Eric : You know, Donna, failing classes is not the only way to get attention from your parents. A lot of girls, when they're having a bad time at home, just go slutty.

    Donna Pinciotti : You know what Eric? You're right. Let's have sex right now.

    Eric : Really?

    Donna Pinciotti : No.

    Eric : Stop doing that.

  • Michael Kelso : Laurie is my girlfriend now, and I love her.

    Donna Pinciotti : No you don't.

    Michael Kelso : I like her.

    Steven Hyde : No you don't.

    Michael Kelso : I think she is okay. And the line between love and okay is fine, but the line between doin' it and not doin' it is NOT fine.

  • Donna Pinciotti : Fez, you're awesome. What girl wouldn't want to be with you?

    Fez : Well, there's Jackie... Laurie... this girl from gym, another girl from Chemistry... country western star Tanya Tucker... she does not answer her letters.

  • [Eric and Donna just made up after a fight about porno magazines] 

    Donna Pinciotti : It's OK, Eric. So... You got rid of them all?

    Eric : Yeah.

    Donna Pinciotti : That's too bad... You know what? I could have a naked girl in this room in 10 seconds.

    Eric : Great. Send her in, I'll see you later.

  • Donna Pinciotti : Laurie, are these your panties?

    Laurie Forman : Donna, please. I don't wear pink panties.

    Steven Hyde : Yeah, she'd have to wear panties to wear pink panties.

  • [after Kelso tells them that he wants to be a cop] 

    Donna : It's actually kind of perfect for him. I mean, he can run through people's backyards with a stick. (the guys look at her like she's nuts) What? He does that anyway.

  • Donna : So, you're really gonna be a cop.

    Steven Hyde : Well, he shot me, so we know he's good with guns.

  • Steven Hyde : Hey, Donna, you want some pie.

    Donna Pinciotti : No, I don't want any stupid pie.

    [Donna storms off] 

    Steven Hyde : Hey, I didn't kiss her.

  • Donna Pinciotti : Wow! Tongue.

    Eric : Oh, yeah.

  • Eric : So, we're finally gonna meet the mysterious and possibly fictional Nina.

    Fez : Hey, does this hickey look fictional?

    Donna : Nope, it's real.

    Fez : How can you tell?

    Donna : It's too small to be the vacuum cleaner hose like last time.

  • [a cop catches Eric and Donna getting intimate in the Vista Cruiser] 

    Eric : [to Donna]  Don't worry; I have a plan.

    Eric : [to the cop]  GO... AWAY.

    Donna Pinciotti : That's it? That's your plan? That's not a good plan.

    Eric : Yeah... no, that's the plan. I mean, we're completely naked. He'll... probably just go away.

    [the cop doesn't budge] 

    Eric : Crap. Have you seen my pants?

  • Donna : Tater Nuts! Tater Nuts!

  • Steven Hyde : Donna, man, I feel like I want to kiss you.

    Donna : Shut up and dance.

  • Steven Hyde : If you ask me, UNICEF is a scam.

    Donna Pinciotti : If we ask you, everything is a scam.

    Steven Hyde : Everything is a scam.

  • Kitty Forman : Good, Donna, come up and eat with us, I need all the help I can get. Oh not you Steven, Grandma doesn't like you.

    Donna : You lucky bastard

  • Steven Hyde : Let's face it Forman. You're soft.

    Donna Pinciotti : How soft is he, Hyde?

    Steven Hyde : Softer than Liberace at the Playboy mansion.

    [brief pause] 

    Kelso : Yeah. Because he plays the piano... wait...

    [Donna whispers in his ear] 

    Kelso : [to Eric]  OOOOH. BURN.

  • Red : Eric, if you don't want to wear your ass for a hat, you'll get up here, pronto!

    Donna : You better go. You know how that ass- hat screws up your hair.

  • Donna : David Millbank? Oh, barf. Eric, remember when you beat him up on the playground?

    Eric : Yep. I kicked his ass.

    Jackie Burkhardt : Wait, wasn't he the kid with scoliosis and asthma?

    Eric : Yep. And I kicked his ass!

  • Donna : Wow, David, you've really grown up!

    David Milbank : Hey, look at you. You have really grown up!

    Eric : Yes, in fact we've all grown up.

    Fez : Yes, but him much more than you have.

  • David Milbank : So! Uh, Donna, are you still writing short stories?

    Donna : Yeah! I still write a little.

    Eric : Well, not every...

    [he turns to her] 

    Eric : You, um, you still write?

  • Eric : [about Eric's unflattering portrayal in Donna's story]  People are going to think I'm really like that.

    Donna Pinciotti : Oh, come on. Nobody's going to think you're like that.

    Girl #1 : [the two girls walk up to Eric]  Cat killer.

    Girl #2 : Bastard.

    Girl #1 : Porn freak.

    [they walk off disgusted] 

    Donna Pinciotti : OK, they could be talking about anybody.

    Steven Hyde : Hey, we're all porn-freak bastards. But he's the only one who killed a cat.

  • Donna Pinciotti : [after Jackie's mom agrees to move in with her dad]  But I don't want to see any of her panties around the house.

    Kitty Forman : [referring to Jackie's mom not having a panty line]  Oh don't worry, you won't.

  • Bob Pinciotti : Now be a good girl and sneak out some of them Jordan almonds for Daddy, okay?

    Donna Pinciotti : No Dad, those are for the feminists!

  • Donna Pinciotti : You know what I love about Hyde? He's always beating up Kelso.

    Michael Kelso : Uh! That is false! Name one time.

    Donna Pinciotti : Gladly.

    Steven Hyde : [scene switches to the gang sitting around the Forman's kitchen table, eating]  Mmmmm, I love mashed potatoes.

    Michael Kelso : Really?

    [spits some on Hyde's plate, which makes Hyde shove Kelso down and start punching him] 

    Michael Kelso : Augh! My eye!

    Steven Hyde : [scene switches to the gang playing basketball in the driveway]  That's a foul.

    Michael Kelso : You know what's foul? Your playing.

    [throws the basketball at Hyde, who tackles Kelso and starts punching him] 

    Michael Kelso : Owwww! That's my eye!

    Steven Hyde : [scene switches to the gang sitting in the basement watching TV, when Kelso comes in and changes the channel]  Change it back, I was watching that.

    Michael Kelso : No.

    Steven Hyde : CHANGE IT BACK.

    Michael Kelso : NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

    [Hyde knocks Kelso over the couch and begins punching] 

    Michael Kelso : Waaah-haa-haaa! My eye!

    Michael Kelso : [scene switches back to where it started]  Seriously, dude. You keep hurting my eye.

  • Donna : [after being dumped by Casey; crying]  We should be together.

    Eric : What?

    Donna : [embraces Eric tightly, eyes full of tears]  L-lets just forget all this other stuff.

    Eric : [pushing her away]  N-no. Donna, I can't be your second choice.

    Donna : [voice cracking]  But you're *not*! Eric...

    [he refuses to look at her; heart broken, she leaves] 

  • Donna Pinciotti : [talking about Playboy]  Ok, if any of you losers had a girlfriend, would you still look at those magazines?

    Kelso : Donna, I had two girlfriends. And a little action on the side. And I still looked at those magazines.

  • Fez : [thinks he sees Laurie naked]  Hey, are you naked or are you just happy to see me?

    Donna Pinciotti : [turns around, completely naked, her eyes go wide in shock]  Oh, my God, Fez!

    [she ducks down out of sight] 

    Fez : [wide eyed]  Oh, my God, Donna!

    [thinking to himself] 

    Fez : Don't worry, just turn on the charm...

    [speaking aloud] 

    Fez : Hey, nice honkers!

    Donna Pinciotti : Get out of here!

    [starts throwing rocks at him] 

  • Donna Pinciotti : I can't believe Hyde. I mean he completely broke Jackie's heart. Who just goes and marries a stripper?

    Fez : What are you, dense? Anybody who can, that's who!

  • Donna Pinciotti : Wow, Jackie. After everything you've been through with Hyde, you come here and insult me! You're all better.

    Jackie Burkhardt : Well, I'm not going to sit around moping. I'm going to do what every woman does when they hit rock bottom.

    Fez : You're going to have sex with me?

    Jackie Burkhardt : No, I'm going to go out and meet some boys. And crush their hearts one by one.

  • Jackie Burkhardt : [drunk]  Ah, come back here! Nobody ignores "Jurkie Barkheart." I am adorable, I'm encouraging, and I'm damn likeable and if you're too stupid too see that then I feel sorry for you!

    [her dress slides down] 

    Jackie Burkhardt : 'Cause if anyone should be the center of attention it's me!

    Donna Pinciotti : Jackie!

    Jackie Burkhardt : [as Donna tries twice to pull Jackie's dress back up, Jackie slaps her hand away]  Get off me!

    [Donna then whispers in her ear] 

    Jackie Burkhardt : What the hell is a "boobsout"?

    [looks down, screams and runs into the bathroom] 

  • Michael Kelso : Tell you what... that's the last time I'm gonna mess around with a girl with a boyfriend.

    Donna Pinciotti : Kelso, your hand is on my butt.

    Michael Kelso : Come on, he's in Africa.

  • Donna Pinciotti : [after Charlie fell off the water tower]  That was a pretty awkward landing, I hope he's OK.

    Michael Kelso : Of course he's OK, it's not like anyone's ever died falling off the water tower.

    Kitty Forman : [next scene]  And so they renamed it The Charlie Richardson Memorial Water Tower.

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs

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