That '70s Show (TV Series 1998–2006) Poster


Topher Grace: Eric Forman



  • Red Forman : What have I said about comparing your sister to the Devil?

    Eric : That it's offensive to the Devil?

  • Steven Hyde : Guys, can we do something besides cruise? That's the third time tonight we've driven by that house.

    Michael Kelso : I know what we could do. We could go skinny dipping.

    [everyone looks at him] 

    Michael Kelso : Naked! That's the way God intended.

    Jackie Burkhardt : No way.

    Michael Kelso : Why not? It'd be fun.

    Donna Pinciotti : Sure, it's fun for you guys, 'cause you can look at us, and that's a treat. But we just look at you. And that's nasty.

    Eric : So, you don't want to do it?

    Donna Pinciotti : Well... I don't care. I'll do it.

    Eric : You... Okay, I'm in.

    Fez : Naked is dirty.


    Fez : Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.

    All : Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.

    Jackie Burkhardt : [the screen flips. Everyone is in the car, naked]  This was such a great idea, Michael. This was so much fun. Oh, wait, except for the part when our clothes got stolen, you idiot!

    Steven Hyde : By the way, Fez, nice tattoo, man.

    Fez : Thank you. It is the Blessed Virgin of Yorba Linda. Do you want to see her dance?

    All : No!

    Eric : Guys, we need a plan. I'm not driving up to the house with a car full of naked people. Red hates you guys when you're dressed.

    Steven Hyde : We can go to my house.

    Michael Kelso : Yeah, your mom's used of having naked guys around.

    Steven Hyde : She's not even home, you moron!

    [Hyde punches Kelso on the shoulder] 

    Fez : Put on the top forty.

    [Fez reaches over for the radio] 

    Steven Hyde : Whoa, sit down, Fez! I see London, I see Besticle!

    Fez : Well, what do you want me to do about it?

    Steven Hyde : I don't know. Tuck it in!

  • Red : Nothing around this house is cheap.

    Eric : Except for Laurie.

    Laurie Forman : I am not cheap!

    Eric : Free, whatever.

  • Red Forman : [Red and Eric are in the car almost late for work at Pricemart] 

    [to Eric] 

    Red Forman : You need to grow up and learn some responsibility.

    Eric : I love you too, Dad.

    Red Forman : What? Stop being weird.

    Eric : Thanks.

  • Michael Kelso : [wearing Eric's pants]  Well, the joke's on you, Eric. I'm wearing your pants, and I'm not wearing any underwear.

    Eric : Kelso, the last time I wore those pants, I wasn't wearing any underwear.

    Michael Kelso : [pulling off pants]  Well played.

  • Donna Pinciotti : [on the California beach]  I miss Eric. That guy even looks like Eric.

    [Double take] 

    Donna Pinciotti : Eric? Oh my God, Eric!

    Eric : [Looking around Kelso's van, he turns sharp at Donna's voice]  Donna!

    [They run to each other in slow motion, Kelso tries to run along side Donna, but Donna pushes him down; they stop short of each other, just staring deeply into each other's eyes for a long moment and then... Kelso tackles Donna, wrestling her to the ground. Incredulous] 

    Eric : Kelso, what the Hell are you doing?

    Michael Kelso : Winning!

    [Donna gets free, stands up and kicks Kelso in the side, then returns to looking at Eric] 

    Donna Pinciotti : Eric... I can't believe you came for me.

    Eric : Of course I did. Donna... Donna I love you. And I... I...

    [he can't find the words] 

    Donna Pinciotti : [Steps forward and kisses him passionately] 

    Michael Kelso : You guys can smooch all you want, I totally won!

    [walks off] 

  • Jackie Burkhardt : Eric, no offense, I know she's your sister, but Laurie is such a whore.

    Eric : Jackie, not since the "Smokey and the Bandit" debate, are you and I so on the same page.

    Donna Pinciotti : Me too.

    Steven Hyde : Hear hear.

    Fez : Yes.

    Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, my God. You all hate Laurie?

    [Everyone nods] 

    Jackie Burkhardt : I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me.

    Steven Hyde : ...We all hate Laurie, all right.

  • Eric : [badly hungover]  My head hurts.

    Red Forman : That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.

  • Eric : Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.

    Red Forman : Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you? is because you're a dumbass.

  • [the guys are high in Eric's basement] 

    Steven Hyde : I read somewhere that people in India fast, man. And, that it makes them think better. And, sometimes they can actually think themselves to death, man.

    Michael Kelso : I wonder if that's what I'm doing right now? Sometimes my brain is doing things that I don't even know about.

    Eric : Man, we think of some great stuff down here. But, later on I can never remember it.

  • Donna Pinciotti : You have the van. We want to go home.

    Michael Kelso : Na-ah! I can't leave Annette. I love her.

    Eric : No, you don't.

    Michael Kelso : I love parts of her.

  • Red : [after Eric refused to be Donna's boyfriend again]  Let me get this straight - Donna told you she wanted to get back together and you said NO?

    Eric : I said no.

    Red : What the Hell is wrong with you?

    Kitty Forman : Dumbass!

    [Red looks at Kitty in surprise] 

    Eric : Look, I have my reasons, okay?

    Red : What the Hell could they possibly be?

    Eric : Casey dumps Donna and then Donna comes running back to ME? Look, I'm not a rebound, All right?

    Red : You're too PROUD to take her back? What exactly do you have to be proud OF? You're not an athelete! The only thing smart about you is your mouth! And, well... look at you!

  • Eric : What happened between you two?

    Fez : Suffice to say that it involved a crowded parking lot, a half off sale and a pair of pants that made my ass look like an oil painting.

    Fenton : If you mean old and cracked, I agree.

    Fez : I'll see you in hell!

    Fenton : I'll be wearing your pants!

  • Fez : Eric, what do you want to call it when you want to stick two pieces of wood together?

    Eric : I think you'd call it "nailing", Fez. Just like Kelso nailed Hyde's sister.

    Steven Hyde : How long have you two been planning that line out?

    Eric : For about as long as it took Kelso to nail your sister.

  • Kitty Forman : I have bad news. Midge left Bob.

    Eric : Are you sure? I mean, she could just be lost in the backyard.

  • Michael Kelso : C'mon Eric, we never ask you for anything.

    Eric : You guys ask me for everything.

    Michael Kelso : So, what's one more thing?

  • Eric : [on the new water heater]  This is the best water heater ever. God bless us, every one.

    Red Forman : Do you know why Tiny Tim walked with a crutch?

    Eric : Because he had a smart mouth?

    Red Forman : That's right.

  • Eric : Kelso, I don't know if you should come over to dinner tonight.

    Michael Kelso : Look, I know you think it's gonna be uncomfortable because I'm dating Laurie. But, look, Red loves Laurie, and Laurie loves me. Red has to like me. I mean, what kind of father doesn't love the guy who's nailing his daughter.

  • Kitty Forman : I really doubt that she's jsut abandoning Stephen, I mean, she's his mother.

    Eric : Mom, her exact words were "I know I'm your mother but I'm abandoning you."

  • Eric : [imitating Red]  I say we torture them with plenty of pointless rules and advice.

  • Michael Kelso : Hey guys, guess what I got?

    Steven Hyde : VD?

    Michael Kelso : No. A hundred bucks.

    Eric : So money to treat your VD.

  • Eric : Kelso, aren't you a little old to be stealing Donna's undies?

    Kelso : A collector never stops collecting, Eric.

  • Michael Kelso : Guys, I was making out with Pam Macy in the orchestra pit. And... the worst thing that could happen to a guy happened.

    Fez : Ohhhh. Mr. Cooper came in to wash the floors?

    Michael Kelso : No.

    Steven Hyde : Fez, I think what Kelso meant to say was... the rabbit wouldn't come out of his hat.

    Eric : The weasel wouldn't pop out.

    Michael Kelso : OK, ENOUGH.

    Eric : Oh, wait. There's a lot of Amish people, but they never raised a barn.

    Steven Hyde : That's a good one Forman.

    Eric : I know, it just came to me.

    Fez : Oh, I get it. The barn is Kelso's pants.

    Michael Kelso : This can't be happening to me.

    Fez : Oh, don't worry Kelso. I'm really sorry... SORRY YOU'RE NOT A MAN.

  • Eric : Donna can't be smarter than me because I'm the man, and that's just the way it is.

    Kitty Forman : Well, I do better on tests than your father, but he's the one brave enough to kill spiders. And since we've been married how many tests have I taken? None. How many spiders have your father killed? Hundreds.

    Eric : But, Mom... SPIDERS FREAK ME OUT.

  • Eric : Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower.

    Fez : This is the proudest moment of my life.

    Steven Hyde : It doesn't look like a pot leaf. It looks like its giving me the finger.

    Michael Kelso : Well it doesn't have to look perfect Hyde, it's art.

  • Fez : AH. This is tomorrow's school paper. Oh my god, on the front page, there's a picture of me kissing Kelso by the lake.

    Eric : Fez why are you kissing Kelso by the lake?

    Fez : We caught a fish, I was excited. I kissed the fish too, but of course they don't show you that.

  • Eric : So Donna says David and her are just good friends. And if I don't believe that, um, then she's gonna think that I don't trust her.

    Fez : Eric, maybe you should let David have Donna. I mean, they look so nice together.

    Steven Hyde : See, this is why your country lost the war.

    Fez : My country never fought a war.

    Steven Hyde : Yeah, big surprise.

  • Eric : I got a B.

    Red Forman : You couldn't get an A?

    Kitty Forman : Aww honey, don't listen to him. You did super. And Steven, you did super duper.

    Eric : Why does he get a duper?

  • Red Forman : Kelso, you make Eric look like Einstein.

    Eric : [sarcastically]  Gee, thank you daddy.

    Michael Kelso : "Thank you"? Einstein was ugly.

  • [Eric took blame for Donna's smoking in school] 

    Donna Pinciotti : So how'd your parents react?

    Eric : Surprisingly, not so good. It turns out that Red has a temper.

  • [after finding out that Eric kissed another girl] 

    Donna : Why'd you do it?

    Eric : Well, I have it on pretty good authority that I'm a dumbass.

  • [the day after Eric dumped Donna] 

    Eric : Hey.

    Donna Pinciotti : That's all you have to say to me? "Hey"?

    Eric : Well, what do you want me to say?

    Donna Pinciotti : I want you to say "Hey". Dillhole.

    Eric : Oh, yeah? Well, DOUBLE DILLHOLE.

    [Donna leaves] 

    Eric : [to himself]  Double dillhole?...

  • Donna Pinciotti : [after Eric reads Donna's journal when she leaves the room]  Did you read my journal?

    Eric : What journal?

    Donna Pinciotti : You know, my "captain's log".

    Eric : No, oh, no. I was just um, I was uh, going through your underwear drawer. Yeah, I know... that's why I look so guilty. Because I was like you know, taking out your underwear, and rubbing it against my skin. I can't stay away from your underwear that's my curse. So, anyway... see you tomorrow.

  • Eric : [Kelso, Jackie, Donna and Eric are in a drive in movie. Donna and Jackie screams and hides in the car, then Kelso gets Erics attention, then Eric shoves his face back, then Jackie grabs Kelso face]  Donna, it's just a movie.

    [Donna gets up. Then Kelso and Jackie starts kicking them in the head while making out] 

    Eric : Do you want to sit somewhere else?

    Donna Pinciotti : So bad.

    [they try to get out of the car while Kelso and Jackie were still kicking them] 

  • Eric : You're right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee.

  • Eric : It's amazing what one act of civil disobedience can do for a person.

  • Eric : [they're driving Kelso's cousin's car]  Why does Sully have a statue of the Virgin Mary on his dashboard?

    Michael Kelso : Maybe he's, like, religious.

    Steven Hyde : Didn't Sully get imprisoned for arson?

    Michael Kelso : Yeah. People who burn stuff believe in God too, Hyde.

    Steven Hyde : Why does his key-chain say "I Love Bingo"?

    Fez : Sully must love bingo.

    Eric : All right. I'm starting to think this isn't Sully's car.

    Michael Kelso : Then who's car is it?

    [police siren wails] 

  • [a guardian angel shows Eric how his prom would have been had he not kissed Donna] 

    Eric : I went to the prom with *Big Rhonda*?

  • [a guardian angel shows Eric how his life would be had he not kissed Donna] 

    The Angel : Oh, but it only gets better. Eric, I'm now going to show you your future. Next stop - the '80s!

    ["The Safety Dance" is heard] 

    Eric : What was that?

    The Angel : You'll find out.

  • Eric : You know Donna, I'm not surprised you're in my bed. I knew you couldn't resist me any longer.

    Donna : No I couldn't. I want you. I need you.

    Eric : Well, I never turn down a woman in need.

    [wraps his arms around her] 

    Donna : You know, being here in you bed. On your... SpiderMan sheets. Makes me feel so Ready, so Willing.

    Eric : Then call me Able.

    [kisses her] 

    Eric : Oh, a little mood music.

    [turns on a clock radio. Romantic music about a dream plays while he kisses her] 

    Eric : [dissolve to Eric waking up alone in his bed]  Damn.

    Donna : [off camera]  What's wrong?

    Eric : [Eric screams]  Aggh!

    [Eric sees the real Donna kneeling next to his bed] 

    Eric : I mean... hey baby!

  • Donna Pinciotti : I love you, Eric.

    Eric : I love... cake.

    Eric : [in a later scene]  Donna, it's just that... if I say it, and then we break up, what would I tell myself?

    Donna Pinciotti : You could tell yourself you still have cake, we both know how much it means to you.

    Eric : OK, I deserve that.

  • Eric : You know, Hyde, at first I thought your father was a real dirtbag. But I've come to realize that there's a fine line between dirt bag and Father Of The Year.

  • Eric : Hey Hyde, this is a cool place for a party. It's already trashed.

  • Red : Well, we got vandals in this town. I was driving home and I saw the water tower giving me the finger.

    Laurie Forman : Vandals you say? Hmm, where were you last night, Eric?

    Kitty Forman : Oh, can it, Laurie. Eric you look pale. Let me see your eyes.

    [Eric just looks down] 

    Kitty Forman : Look at me.

    [Eric looks at Kitty, imagining her she was naked after seeing his parents having sex] 

    Kitty Forman : Do you have fever?

    Red : [Eric looks at Red, and he's imagining him naked, too]  I know what you need. Right after breakfast, I want you to mow the lawn. The fresh air will do you good.

    Kitty Forman : [the camera turns around back to Kitty. Kitty is still naked and she wipes something off her chest]  Eric, is something bothering you?

    Eric : [looking at Kitty and Red a couple more times]  God, make it stop!

    [leaves the table] 

  • [about Eric's parents] 

    Donna Pinciotti : I can't believe they're pregnant.

    Eric : I can't believe they're still doing it.

  • Eric : Yeah, I mean, when the empire killed Luke Skywalker's aunt and uncle, did he just call them up?

    The others : Ahh, nooo...

    Eric : No. He hopped on the Millenium Falcon, and he paid a little visit to the Death Star.

  • Kelso : Whatever. You know, none of this is as bad as Hyde not telling me. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make him tell me.

    Donna : How are you gonna do that?

    Michael Kelso : By outwitting him conversationally. What a fine game of cat and mouse it will be.

    Eric : So what are you gonna say?

    Michael Kelso : Oh, it'll come to me in the moment.

    Donna : Don't you think you should plan it out a little?

    Michael Kelso : Does an astronaut plan out his missions?

    Fez : What happens in cat and mouse if the cat is retarded?

    Michael Kelso : Oh, you just wait and see.

  • Jackie Burkhardt : Well, if Donna's not gonna be here, neither am I.

    Eric : Oh, Jackie, I'm sorry. What I meant was... BYE.

  • [on Valentine's day] 

    Kitty Forman : Oooh, look how cute you are. This is just like when you were 5, and played make believe dinner. Only this time, it won't end by Donna sitting on Eric's face.

    [Awkward pause] 

    Kitty Forman : OK.

    [Kitty and Red start leaving] 

    Red Forman : Kitty, that was bad.

    Kitty Forman : I know, keep walking.

    [Kitt and Red finally leave] 

    Eric : Oh, good, and I thought this was going to be awkward.

  • Eric : So, you're saying that Donna and I will be okay?

    Red Forman : No. All I did was scratch your mother's shoes. I didn't pull her pants down in front of God and the foreign kid.

  • [Eric has a dream sequence with Donna] 

    Eric : Look at me. I weigh 80 pounds. Do you know why I'm bald? It's because my body is eating its own hair.

  • Eric : Panties. Glorious panties.

  • Eric : Uh-oh, naughty thoughts a-brewin'...

  • [about Donna] 

    Eric : She was drunk, in the middle of the afternoon. I mean, it was like Sue Ellen on 'Dallas'.

  • Eric : Mom, Dad, can Penny and I be alone for a minute?

    Red Forman : No. I'm not raising any flipper grandkids.

  • Red Forman : Every single Price Mart stock-boy will be trained in the Red Forman way.

    Eric : Oh, you mean by undermining their self-esteem until they're too weak to fight back?

  • Steven Hyde : Hey Foreman, do you have any naked pictures of your Grandma?

    Eric : No.

    Steven Hyde : Ha ha. You do now.

  • Donna Pinciotti : What is it about you that drives me wild with passion and desire?

    Eric : Well, I am... seventeen now.

  • Steven Hyde : I've been living in the basement.

    Eric : You know? I did notice a dusting of curly hair on the floor. I just wrote if off to my changing teenage body.

  • Eric : I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid, and worth hearing.

    Red Forman : Well that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you run for Miss America.

  • Eric : You smell great. What did you do?

    Donna Pinciotti : I took a bath. I was thinking of you the whole time.

    Eric : Hey I do the same thing in the shower.

    Donna Pinciotti : What?

    Eric : Nothing.

  • Eric : That would be like looking at my mom and thinking, "Hey, baby. How ? ". I'm just going to stop right there.

  • [Eric and Donna are dressing, after having sex] 

    Eric : You know Donna, you're a great study buddy. You make studying fun.

  • [Eric wants to impress Donna, so he gets her name tattooed on his butt by Leo] 

    Leo : Dude, Debby is gonna be real happy about this.

    Eric : Who's Debby?

    Leo : Hello? Your girlfriend, Debby? Jesus...

    Eric : Leo, her name is Donna.

    Leo : Oh... I can fix that.

  • Eric : Guys, I can't think Penny is hot. I mean, she's my cousin. That's like thinking my mom's... Whoa, I'm gonna stop right there.

    Fez : I thought that about your mother, but I didn't stop there.

  • Kitty Forman : My parents are coming tomorrow.

    Red Forman : Oh, crap.

    Kitty Forman : Red.

    Donna Pinciotti : What's wrong with them.

    Kitty Forman : It's a complicated situation.

    Eric : Grandma yells, grandpa drinks.

  • Donna Pinciotti : Why does your dad want to ruin my dad's barbecue?

    Eric : Well, my dad thinks that if your dad's barbecue is better than his, the russkies are gonna take over the planet.

  • Steven Hyde : Hold on, Kelso. Suddenly, you're too mature to go cruising for chicks with us, and you're going to the mall with Jackie?

    Michael Kelso : Yeah, I've been doing a lot of thinking. And, I've come to realize that Jackie is the only girl I want to be with.

    Eric : Today?

  • Donna Pinciotti : Oh, my god what is she doing here? She could ruin everything.

    Eric : Oh, don't worry. She isn't here today as a math teacher who's failing me. No, she's here today as a cradle robbing slut.

  • Red Forman : Oh and uh, here's a 20.

    Laurie Forman : Will that cover for gas?

    Kitty Forman : Oh well, honey, give her another 10 just in case.

    Eric : You know, I could use some gas money.

    Red Forman : [laughs]  Yeah... and if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump it's ass when it hops.

  • Jackie Burkhardt : Man, I just totally forgot why I was laughing. Isn't that funny?

    Eric : Okay... no more for the cheerleader.

  • Red Forman : Bend your knees and lift with your legs, or else I'm going to...

    Eric : ...kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah, yeah yeah...

  • [Eric catches Jackie and Hyde] 

    Jackie Burkhardt : It's just a meaningless fling, okay? We can stop whenever we want.

    Eric : Well, then maybe you should.

    Jackie Burkhardt : Why do you even care?


  • [Red groans] 

    Eric : Well, Marlin, we've just seen the male of the herd grunt his displeasure. But what does it mean?

    Steven Hyde : The grunting indicates aggression, Jim.

    Eric : Ah.

    Red Forman : Idiots.

  • [Kelso is clumsy with a gun] 

    Donna Pinciotti : Kelso, careful with that.

    Michael Kelso : Don't worry, guns don't just go off by accident.

    Donna Pinciotti : What about Eric's hamster in fourth grade?

    Eric : Oh, no, my hamster went upstate to live with a new family upstate. Right?

    [Nobody says anything] 

    Eric : Oh, my god. You killed my hamster.

    Michael Kelso : It wasn't my fault. The gun went off by accident.

  • Eric : Look at the symptoms... temperamental behavior, mood swings, facial hair... Uh oh, Dad, I think you have menopause.

  • Eric : God, what did you have for breakfast this morning, Carnation Instant Bitch?

  • Red : Earl, just get to work.

    Earl : Oh, sure. Right after my cup of joe. I'm useless without my coffee.

    [Earl runs out] 

    Eric : Then, I guess he hasn't had coffee in years, huh?

  • Eric : Laurie was born with a tail!

    [Fez and Hyde look disgusted; Laurie looks horrified and humiliated] 

    Laurie Forman : I hate you!

    [runs away crying] 

  • Red : [after having a bucket of oatmeal dumped on his head]  What the hell is going on?

    Eric : Dad, it was just a prank that went wrong. Horribly... *horribly* wrong.

    Red : Really? Well I have a prank too. One where my foot *doesn't* plow through your ass! Let's hope it doesn't go horribly, *horribly* wrong!

  • [Eric puts boxes on a dolly. He whistles. Red works at his desk] 

    Red : You know what the great thing about whistling is? It's that you can stop whistling!

    Eric : Oh. Sorry.

    [not whistling, he puts another box on the dolly] 

    Red : Hey, bend at the knees or else I'll...

    Eric : Kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah, yeah, yeah.

    Red : Geez, and I didn't think you were listening. Oh, and I need you to re- sticker the clock radios. They're on sale.

    Eric : Yeah, I saw the flyer. I already took care of it.

    Red : Really? Well, way to take initiative.

    Eric : "Way to take initiative... "? What are you up to?

    Red : Nothing. I just think you did a good job.

    Eric : Okay. But I'm watching you.

    Red : Stop being weird.

  • Michael Kelso : I miss Jackie, I can't eat, I can't sleep, well i can eat but...

    [begins to cry] 

    Fez : [stares at kelso] 

    Steven Hyde : [stares at kelso] 

    Eric : [stares at kelso]  Hey, what did we say, no crying in the circle

    Michael Kelso : I can't help it.

    Michael Kelso : I need to tell her i didnt mean to cheat on her and that im sorry. I know, I'll write her a song

    Michael Kelso : [begins to play ukelae, really badly while singing] 

    Steven Hyde : Hey I kno how you can start it.

    [begins to sing] 

    Steven Hyde : You don't love me anymore, caught me cheatin' with a whore. See cuz Laurie's the whore

    Eric : My sister is such a whore

    [begins to giggle] 

    Michael Kelso : [glares at hyde] 

  • Red Forman : [Red and Eric are in the car almost late for work at Pricemart] 

    [to himself] 

    Red Forman : I love my job.

    Eric : I love you too, Dad.

    Red Forman : Oh, Eric, stop being weird.

    Eric : Thanks, Dad!

  • Eric : What happened? Did Kelso forget your birthday or something?

    Jackie Burkhardt : I'm pregnant.

    [Eric gasps] 

    Donna Pinciotti : [outside. Donna is playing basketball with Eric. She runs and makes a shot, then she tosses the ball to Eric, which it hits his head, then he turns]  Eric, you're like a million miles away. What's going on?

    Eric : Ok, Donna. I have to tell you something, but you promise you're not going to tell anybody else.

    Donna Pinciotti : Dirt! I swear. Now tell me.

    Eric : Not here.

    [they run in the car] 

    Eric : [no audio]  Jackie's pregnant.

    [Donna makes a shocking face] 

  • Eric : Hey dad. You coming back inside?

    Red Forman : Eric, I love your grandmother very much. I just can't talk to her or spend any time with her.

    Eric : Did I mention that I'm in there rubbing her feet?

    Red Forman : Eric, sometimes you got to play through the pain.

    Eric : What?

    Red Forman : I don't know. Just, get back in there.

  • Red Forman : I'm glad he's in prison for bribery. People like him give a bad name to Republicans.

    Eric : Yeah, all the honest ones, like Richard Nixon.

    [Everybody moves away from Eric] 

    Red Forman : What did you just say?

    Eric : Uhh... I said Nixon was framed, and Kennedy was a commie?

    Red Forman : Damn right.

  • Steven Hyde : Look, Forman, if you give Donna that ring, she'll see the girl inside of you. And, you don't want to wake Erica up.

    Michael Kelso : Yeah, Erica. That's classic. I'm lucky. You can't make a girl name out of Michael.

    Steven Hyde : Oh, really, Michelle?

    Michael Kelso : Damn it. I forgot about Michelle. But, you know what, Forman? You should get Donna that promise ring. I'm gonna give one to Jackie too.

    Eric : Thank you, Kelso. Let's go get them, right now.

    [Eric and Kelso start leaving] 

    Eric : See you later... Damn it. What's a girl name for Hyde?

    [Eric and Kelso start thinking] 

    Steven Hyde : It's Heidi, you morons.

  • Jackie Burkhardt : Let's go Michael. To a place where our love is understood.

    Eric : Oh, and while you're there, check out the new monkey house.

  • [Donna is dating Michael's brother] 

    Eric : I got two words for you. Donna Kelso.

    [Donna walks away, angry] 

    Eric : Come on. Think of the children. Little red headed morons.

  • Eric : Fez, I know you've spoken English for only a few weeks, now. But could you have learned the phrase 'Don't tell my Dad?" 'Don't' being the contraction for do not and 'tell my Dad' meaning SHUT UP?

    Fez : See, right there you told me NOT to shut up. It's a wonder you're not failing English, too. Crack a book, you lazy son of a bitch.

  • Donna Pinciotti : Just because a guy wants to pay attention to me, does not mean he wants to see me naked.

    Eric : OH, GROW UP.

    Donna Pinciotti : Is that why you pay attention to me?

    Eric : OF COURSE... not. Of course not. I love your mind. That's the thing I love.

  • Eric : She's the woman, I'm the man. I have to do better on that test.

    Kitty Forman : Don't worry if Donna's smarter than you. I'd take a dummy over a jackass any day.

    Eric : Which one am I?

    Kitty Forman : Well, honey, right now you're both.

  • Kitty Forman : Honey, Michael may have an incredible built and movie-star good looks. But, you're much smarter.

    Eric : Why didn't you say that when everyone was around?

    Kitty Forman : Well, I didn't want anybody to feel bad.

    Eric : Good job.

  • Jackie Burkhardt : Your mom can't hang out with Donna. Don't you know what women talk about when they're alone?

    Eric : Sugar and spice and everything nice?

    Jackie Burkhardt : That's what we're made of, you dumbass.

  • Eric : Leo, you sell promise rings?

    Leo : Yeah, man. I sell rings and... other stuff.

    Eric : Ohh... We'll take two promise rings, and a misdemeanor's worth of the other stuff.

  • Eric : Did you tell anybody we're engaged?

    Donna Pinciotti : Yes, Eric, I have no self control and I told the pretzel vendor we're engaged.

    Eric : Ok, no need to be sarcastic.

    Donna Pinciotti : No, seriously, I have no self control and I told the pretzel vendor we're engaged.

  • Eric : Okay, I just want to tell you that this play will be done like always. That means that all of your ideas, while interesting, are stupid.

    [to Jackie] 

    Eric : No unicorns.

    [to Fez] 

    Eric : No lifeguards.

    [to Donna] 

    Eric : No wise women.

    [to Kelso] 

    Eric : No spacemen. Now, we need the wise men. Anybody got any suggestions.

    [Kelso raises his hand] 

    Eric : Kelso, I swear to god, if you say "Space Wisemen" I will kick you in the head.

    [Kelso lowers his hand] 

  • Steven Hyde : So, Bud, can we have a keg party here?

    Bud Hyde : Yeah... sure. I'm cool with it. That's me... cool dad...

    Michael Kelso : Yeah. Bud's the coolest.

    [high-fives Bud] 

    Eric : Yeah, Bud.

    [high-fives Bud] 

    Eric : Would you be my dad?

    [both laugh] 

    Eric : No, really.

    [both laugh] 

    Eric : No, I'm serious.

  • Michael Kelso : Hey, guys, look! I have ten pound balls! That never gets old.

    Fez : Hey, guys! My balls are black and blue!

    Eric : Good one!

    Steven Hyde : Niiice!

    Michael Kelso : Funny.

    Fez : Wow. My balls are finally funny!

  • Michael Kelso : [the gang is trying to eavesdrop on the parents' conversation reacting to Donna and Eric's engagement]  Hey, I'll go spy on them, I just gotta run home real quick and change into my ninja outfit.

    Eric : I don't think this situation calls for camouflage, Kelso.

    Michael Kelso : Well, it doesn't mean it's not fun to wear, ERIC!

  • Eric : [Eavesdropping through the glass door on the parents' discussion about the news of Donna and Eric's engagement]  I'm trying to read Red's lips, but I can't make it out - he keeps calling me a stupid duck.

    [pause until he figures it out] 

    Eric : Ahhhhh.

  • [Kitty enters as Eric and Donna are holding hands] 

    Eric : Hey, it's my mom.

    Kitty Forman : You two make me sick.

    Eric : And she's talking like my dad.

  • Jackie Burkhardt : Being a model was my and Michael's dream... for me.

    [cut to a scene of Jackie imagining being a model and then back to reality] 

    Eric : Hmmm... In your fantasy you're a model, and Kelso's... not there. In reality Kelso's a model, and you sell cheese. Interesting...

  • [There's a live firecracker, and they have to get it] 

    Michael Kelso : Ok, Forman, you go get it.

    Eric : Why me?

    Michael Kelso : Because you're the skinniest one here. If anything blows up, you're the least likely get stuff fly at you.

    Eric : Yeah... But if you go it would be better. I mean, who would be surprised if you blew yourself up?

    Michael Kelso : Good point...

  • Eric : Everything costs money. Gas. Food. Parties. Fun.

    Michael Kelso : Dates. Dates cost money.

    Fez : No, Kelso, that is prostitution.

    Steven Hyde : No, Fez, dating IS prostitution. Only, you don't always get what you paid for.

  • Steven Hyde : Act tough, Forman.

    Eric : I'm not tough.

    Steven Hyde : That's why I said 'act.'

  • Eric : You know, mom, there comes an age in a boy's life when the baby talk stops working. Yeah, when it does, it just gives a boy the urge to kill.

  • [the family goes to the Price Mart Ball] 

    Eric : I could get a date.

    [Red laughs] 

    Eric : I've got numbers, buddy.

    Kitty Forman : Sure you do, honey. You're number one with me.

  • Michael Kelso : You're engaged?

    Eric : No.

    Steven Hyde : How could you give her that ring? You're in High School, and according to the SATs, that's about as far as you're gonna go.

  • [Eric and Donna are engaged] 

    Eric : Don't tell Donna I told you, okay? She'd kill me. It's supposed to be a secret.

    Fez : Of course its supposed to be a secret. 'I'm marrying a dumbell'... who wants that spread around?

  • Eric : I think I have everything. I got the keys, the cash, my "Who am I kidding?" condom...

  • Donna Pinciotti : What do you guys want to do after you graduate?

    Eric : Not touch dead people again, ever.

    Fez : I would like to go back to my homeland, with all the knowledge I learned in Wisconsin... and rule with an iron fist.

  • [the guys imitate Jackie] 

    Steven Hyde : Michael, call me later.

    Eric : Michael, do your Chico impression.

    Fez : Michael, rub oil on my thighs while I spank you.

    [the guys stare at Fez] 

    Fez : ...please someone else talk now.

  • [Eric likes Stacey at Price Mart, but Stacey likes Red] 

    Eric : Did Stacey actually use the word 'freak'?

    Red Forman : Why don't you just let it go? Maybe the reason girls don't like you, is because you just don't let things go. Stacey was saying just that thing today.

  • Kitty Forman : Eric, you should go with your father.

    Eric : But, mom...

    Kitty Forman : No buts. You two don't spend enough time together.

    Eric : That's because he doesn't like me.

  • [Eric and Red are hunting] 

    Red Forman : I want you to forget that I'm your father for a minute. I want you to tell me exactly what you think of me.

    Eric : How about I do this when you don't have a gun?

  • Jackie Burkhardt : Didn't know they let slutballs in here.

    Annette : Well, I've seen you in here so I figured it was okay.

    Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, you don't know it, but you just burnt yourself.

    Annette : Oh, I know it. The question is, do you?

    Jackie Burkhardt : I just said I do.

    Annette : So do I, so you are too.

    Eric : Donna, are you following this?

    Donna Pinciotti : Umm... I think one of them's a slutball and one of them knows it.

    Annette : I think what we need to do is go talk about Michael.

    Jackie Burkhardt : Fine. I'll try to use small words so you can understand me.

    Annette : That's NOT going to be good enough.

  • Eric : Ok, I know it. She told you about "Dr. PeePee". Fine, you got it. I couldn't sleep on the top bunk and I was 10. Fine, I'm "Dr. PeePee".

    [Everybody stares for a while, then they start laughing] 

    Michael Kelso : "Dr. PeePee". That's great. You are so "Dr. PeePee".

    Eric : Oh, really, "Big Chief Brown Bottom"?

    Michael Kelso : [quietly]  Sorry, man. I'm sorry. Everybody shut up. Just, shut up.

  • [on Annette] 

    Eric : Did you hear that? The shrill voice, the bossy tone, the random hatred of all things that bounce? My God, she's Jackie.

    Donna Pinciotti : A new Jackie.

    Eric : A blonde Jackie.

    Eric , Donna Pinciotti : Blackie.

    [dramatic music] 

    Eric , Donna Pinciotti : [looking scared]  We are doomed.

  • [Fez has told everyone he lost his virginity] 

    Eric : Wait, this isn't like the time that you bought a hamster, named it virginity, and then lost it?

  • [Eric is taking advantage of Red's silent treatment] 

    Eric : Hey Dad, you know who has the right idea? Russia.

  • Eric : Hey, dad, um, I was wondering if you could show me, like, a few fighting moves.

    Red : Who you planning to fight?

    Eric : David Milbank.

    Bob Pinciotti : David Milbank? He's got scoliosis and asthma.


    Bob Pinciotti : You could take him.

    Red : Oh, come on now, Eric. Why don't you, uh, beat up Kelso? I don't work for his dad.

    Eric : He's making a move on Donna.

    Bob Pinciotti : Oh, no. No. No. Donna's not going near that pretzel boy! No. No. You gotta nip this in the bud, Eric.

    Red : All right. All right. The bridge of the nose is very vulnerable.

    Bob Pinciotti : Oh. Oh! And hit him with a banjo!

    Red : [pauses and stares at Bob]  A banjo, Bob?

    Bob Pinciotti : What? I'm helping!

    Red : Where's he gonna get a banjo?

    Bob Pinciotti : I don't know! But I saw a guy get hit with a banjo once, and he went down.

    Red : [pauses and stares at Bob again]  Hitting a guy with a banjo, is dirty.

    [to Eric] 

    Red : You wanna knee him in the groin.

    Bob Pinciotti : You can hit him in the groin with a banjo.

  • [on women and sex] 

    Steven Hyde : Secretly, I think they want it more than we do.

    Eric : Oh, you and your crazy conspiracies.

  • [Telling Grandma Bea that they are engaged] 

    Eric : We're gonna do what Luke Skywalker was too afraid to do: use the dark side to our advantage.

    Donna Pinciotti : Eric, if we're gonna be married you've got to ease up on the Star Wars stuff. It doesn't apply to everything.

    Eric : [Looking disappointed]  I'm gonna have to rewrite my vows.

  • [At Breakfast] 

    Eric : Hey, leggo my Eggo.

    Red Forman : Hey, leggo my foot in your ass.

  • [the screen is split in two parts. On top, Donna is talking to Jackie. On bottom, Eric is talking to Kelso] 

    Eric : I really want to do it with her.

    Donna Pinciotti : I don't know if I'm ready to do it with him.

    Michael Kelso : I know what you mean.


    Michael Kelso : It's Donna.

    Jackie Burkhardt : I know what you mean.


    Jackie Burkhardt : It's Eric.

    Eric Forman, Donna Pinciotti : What the hell's that supposed to mean?

    Michael Kelso, Jackie Burkhardt : Nothing.

    Eric : I mean, you and Jackie have done it millions of times, right?

    Michael Kelso : Oh, yeah. We do it all the time.

    Donna Pinciotti : I mean, you and Kelso have done it millions of times, right?

    Jackie Burkhardt : No. I let him get to second base once, but that's it.

  • Eric : So, do you feel like coming over for dinner?

    Stacey : I don't know. Will your dad be there?

    Eric : Why? You like my dad?

    [Stacey smiles] 

    Eric : Oh, my God. You like my dad?

    Stacey : Do you know if he's seeing anyone?

    Eric : Yeah. My mom.

  • [Kitty has just come home from work] 

    Kitty Forman : Here, honey. I brought you a lollipop.

    Eric : Mom, I'm 17.

    Kitty Forman : I know. That's why I also brought you condoms.

    Eric , Red : Ehhhhhhh.

    Kitty Forman : You need to protect yourself. Today I saw a 16-year-old give birth, and I don't want that type of thing to happen to you.

    Eric : Well, this couldn't be more uncomfortable.

    [gets up and leaves] 

    Kitty Forman : Oh, honey. Don't forget your condoms.

    Eric : I was wrong.

  • [at Prom] 

    Eric : I got a feeling I'm forgetting something...

    Steven Hyde : Looks like you got everything but a tall redhead.

    Eric : Yeah, what guy doesn't love a tall redhead oh my god I forgot Donna.

  • [Jackie sneaks into the Forman's house] 

    Steven Hyde : I told you to look where you were going.

    Jackie Burkhardt : What idiot leaves a Lego set right in front of the door?

    Eric : You knocked over my space command center?

  • Eric : I don't think I've ever seen Mom so mad. Have you?

    Red Forman : Not since she's stopped drinking.

    Eric : What?

    Red Forman : Nothing.

  • Michael Kelso : You can't sleep in the same bed with someone and not be doin' it. I've fallen asleep not doin' it and woken up doin' it.

    Eric : ...and that's why they won't put him to sleep at the dentist.

  • Eric : Laurie saved up all her money so she could buy a back massager - which isn't fooling anyone by the way.

  • Red Forman : You know, maybe instead of finding another idiot to hang out with, you might think about unloading a few.

    [to Hyde] 

    Red Forman : Like you.

    [to Kelso] 

    Red Forman : And you.

    [to Eric] 

    Red Forman : And you.

    Eric : I'm your son.

    Red Forman : Hey, I treat everyone as equals.

  • [Donna beats Eric at a game] 

    Fez : You know, in my country, if a woman beats you, it makes her want you.

    Eric : [smiling]  Really?

    Fez : Yes, but this is America. Wuss.

  • Kitty Forman : You're my special little baby boy.

    [Hyde makes kissy faces at Eric] 

    Eric : Mom. We talked about this. I'm not a boy anymore. I'm a man...

    Kitty Forman : Okay... My special little baby man.

    [kisses him, giggles and runs away] 

    Eric : [to Hyde]  You are so lucky that your mom's a runaway alcoholic.

  • [Kelso has just shot Hyde with his B.B. gun] 

    Steven Hyde : I'm gonna punish him the way my parents punish me.

    Eric : You're gonna leave him at the mall?

    Steven Hyde : No. I'm gonna milk this eye thing until he feels as bad as he should. And they didn't leave me at the mall. They forgot me. They were drunk.

  • Steven Hyde : Hey Forman, did you realize that there's another room back there? Hey, and it barely stinks.

    Eric : Perfect. You can sit back there underneath your bare bulb and write angry letters to the government.

    Steven Hyde : Oh, don't think I won't.

  • Michael Kelso : I say do it with her.

    Eric : Kelso, your solution to everything is "Do it with her".

    Michael Kelso : Hey, it worked on my science teacher. C minus.

  • Eric : Extra. Extra. Read all about it.

    Steven Hyde : "Skinny Dillhole Talks Like An Idiot"?

  • Eric : It was supposed to be 'Guys' Night Out'. And then comes Hyde's skank of the week to ruin it all. We were friends since, like, always. And all it took to ruin it was a pair of lop-sided boobs. That's right, I noticed and I didn't say anything... Because I'm nice.

    Donna Pinciotti : I had to talk to my dad's new girlfriend about the sex they're having.

    Eric : Yeah, okay, you win.

  • Eric : Keep it down, you guys. If my dad finds out we're going to Canada, for beer, he won't be happy.

    [Kelso runs up, shouting] 

    Michael Kelso : All right. Canada. Wooooooo. Beer.

    [blows an air horn] 

  • [in Donna's story] 

    Eric : Prepare thyself. Tonight, we fornicate.

  • Eric : I forgot my mom's birthday.

    Steven Hyde : Really? 'Cause I remembered your mom's birthday.

    Eric : If you remembered, then why didn't you tell me?

    Steven Hyde : How would that be funny?

  • Kitty Forman : Steven's father is in town?

    Laurie Forman : Yeah, right. Like he even knows who his father is.

    [gets up and leaves] 

    Red Forman : Do you know anything about this?

    Eric : Yeah. She's a bitch.

  • Eric : You know, Donna, failing classes is not the only way to get attention from your parents. A lot of girls, when they're having a bad time at home, just go slutty.

    Donna Pinciotti : You know what Eric? You're right. Let's have sex right now.

    Eric : Really?

    Donna Pinciotti : No.

    Eric : Stop doing that.

  • Michael Kelso : See, I've enlightened you situation to that of Pavlov's dog. See, Pavlov was this science guy, and every time that Pavlov's dog would ring a bell, he would eat.

    Eric : Are you sure that it was the dog who rang the bell?

    Michael Kelso : Yeah, I mean, who else would it be?

    Eric : Pavlov?

    Michael Kelso : Well that wouldn't be a trick. I mean, what man can't ring a bell? But anyway, anytime that dog would ring that bell, he would eat and then Pavlov would drool.

    Eric : You just read that chapter two seconds ago.

    Michael Kelso : Do you even want my help?

    Eric : No.

    Michael Kelso : Well, your loss.

  • Steven Hyde : I haven't done one stinking illegal thing since I got probation.

    Eric : What, so you're mad because you haven't been in any crimes since your last crime?

  • Eric : [about the first time he had sex with Donna]  It's as if at that moment Eric Forman and Donna Pinciotti ceased to exist and merged into one perfect being... Donneric Forciotti.

  • [Eric and Donna just made up after a fight about porno magazines] 

    Donna Pinciotti : It's OK, Eric. So... You got rid of them all?

    Eric : Yeah.

    Donna Pinciotti : That's too bad... You know what? I could have a naked girl in this room in 10 seconds.

    Eric : Great. Send her in, I'll see you later.

  • Eric : What kind of moron leaves the keys in the ignition?

    Michael Kelso : When I put the keys in my pocket, it distracts from my natural bulge.

  • Kitty Forman : Eric, there's someone here to see you.

    Eric : Mom, if this is another one of dad's Marine Corps recruiters I swear I'm running away.

  • Kitty Forman : Red hates you.

    Fez : Oh, don't be silly. Red loves me.

    Kitty Forman : You gave him a heart attack.

    Eric : Mom, maybe Dad loved Fez so much that his heart just... exploded.

  • Eric : Fez, you better start kissing Red's butt or else he'll make sure you're deported.

    Fez : Who should be kissing who's butt? He should be thanking me for taking his trashy daughter off his hands.

    Laurie Forman : I'm not that trashy. I won't sleep with you.

    Fez : Oh, zip it Jezabelle.

  • Kelso : Okay, which job sounds better: wide receiver or spy?

    Eric : Well, Kelso, I don't understand why you just can't do both.

    Kelso : You're right, it's the perfect cover.

  • Red : Donna just came through hear looking pretty upset. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?

    Eric : No. I mean, she was fine just a minute ago when we were down... oh, you already know, don't you?

    Red : Of course I know.

  • [looking at possible girlfriends for Eric after he is voted "Most Eligible Viking"] 

    Eric : Hey, look at her.

    Kelso : Yeah, I made out with her once.

    Eric : I don't want my tongue anywhere near where Kelso's tongue has been.

    Kelso : Oh... then you better stay away from your mom.

  • Donna Pinciotti : Wow! Tongue.

    Eric : Oh, yeah.

  • Eric : So, we're finally gonna meet the mysterious and possibly fictional Nina.

    Fez : Hey, does this hickey look fictional?

    Donna : Nope, it's real.

    Fez : How can you tell?

    Donna : It's too small to be the vacuum cleaner hose like last time.

  • [singing along with Ann Murray] 

    Eric : Even though we ain't got money, I'm so in love with ya honey. Who am I kidding after I can't pay for Donna's engagement ring nobody's gonna be in love with me honey. Why must you mock me Ann Murray?

  • [a cop catches Eric and Donna getting intimate in the Vista Cruiser] 

    Eric : [to Donna]  Don't worry; I have a plan.

    Eric : [to the cop]  GO... AWAY.

    Donna Pinciotti : That's it? That's your plan? That's not a good plan.

    Eric : Yeah... no, that's the plan. I mean, we're completely naked. He'll... probably just go away.

    [the cop doesn't budge] 

    Eric : Crap. Have you seen my pants?

  • Red : Look at this. First day of deer season.

    Eric : Rabbit season.

    Steven Hyde : Duck season.

    Eric : Rabbit season.

    Steven Hyde : Duck seaon.

    Eric : Rabbit season

    Steven Hyde : Duck season.

  • Steven Hyde : What crawled up your butt?

    Eric : You and Jackie and then you started making out in there.

  • Eric : [Eric lied to his parents about staying at Fez's and Red has found out]  Okay, the reason I'd lie about something like that is...

    Red Forman : What happened? You pissed Donna off and she locked you out?

    Eric : Donna? No.

    Red Forman : Oh. Well you pissed me off so I'm locking you out.

  • Eric : [after having sex with Donna]  Well, Donna and I are back together!

    Kitty Forman : Oh, good, did you two talk things out?

    Eric : Actually we... yeah, we talked things out.

    Steven Hyde : More like grunted.

    Eric : Shut up!

    Steven Hyde : [once Kitty leaves]  Okay man, give me all the details.

    Eric : Oh, there will be detail o'plenty, in my steamy letter to Penthouse.

    [Hyde smiles and nods] 

    Eric : And my mom's still here isn't she?

    [Hyde nods, Eric turns to see Kitty glaring at him] 

  • Steven Hyde : So if Donna ever breaks up with you, and starts dating me, are we still friends?

    Eric : No.

  • Steven Hyde : I have got a solution to this whole you being a pain in my ass, we sharing a room thing. You move out.

    Eric : Of my room?

    Steven Hyde : Yeah.

    Eric : Well, uh, that's just not going to happen.

    Steven Hyde : Fine. I'll move out, you big baby.

    Eric : Still friends?

    Steven Hyde : I need time to heal.

  • Fez : ["That 70s Show" 100 episode, the musical] 


    Fez : Some people call me the space cowboy...

    Eric : No, nobody calls you like that. But if there were someone, then I'll be the space cowboy.

    Steven Hyde : Please, Forman, if there's any space cowboy in this group it's me, and I'm also the midnight toker!

  • Eric : Dad just got sued by a co-worker for wrongful termination.

    Kitty Forman : Well if the news is so unpleasant I'm ignoring it. Here, have a cupcake.

    Eric : Mom, did you hear what I said? Dad is getting sued for wrongful termination by Earl.

    Kitty Forman : Earl? He didn't do his job, he was always late and he was a complete dumbass... person.

    Eric : Mom, you said ass.

    Kitty Forman : So did you, now give me back the cupcake.

    Eric : Dad is gonna freak. I don't know how to tell him.

    [Red enters the house] 

    Red Foreman : Tell me what?

    Eric : Oh, mom said the ass word.

    Kitty Forman : Give me that.

    Eric : You know what, mom, I got this one. Whoever here is not being sued by Earl for illegal termination, raise your hand.

  • Eric : You know what dad if I am still working at pricemart at your... older kill me.

    Red Foreman : You don't have to ask twice son.

    Eric : That's my daddy.

    Red Foreman : Come on let's make fun of mum's hair.

  • Leo : Beer is evil. You know why they call it beer?

    Eric : No. Why?

    Leo : I'm just curious man.

  • Kitty Forman : So, Eric, have you made your Christmas list for Santa yet?

    Eric : Well, um, I was going to, but then I turned 10.

  • Red : Responsible people don't go around getting their nipples twisted.

    Eric : See, when you say it, though, it just sounds weird.

  • Eric : And then, they go into this bar, and there are all these space creatures, and then, someone makes the mistake of picking on Obi Wan Kenobi, and then, he takes out his light saber, and goes WOOSH and he chops this guard's arm right off! Cause it's a saber that's made out of light.

    Kitty Forman : Well, you know, this, this doesn't sound like a nice movie. Now, "The Way We Were", that's a nice movie!

  • [after learning the Red's getting a new job] 

    Kitty Forman : Oh! And to think how close we came to losing the house!

    Eric : Losing the-mom, you said we were fine!

    Kitty Forman : Oh, Eric, honey, I lied!

  • Red : Ah, my job, and my little girl!

    Eric : Ok, so I'm here too, dad.

    Red : Oh, and uh, speaking of you, I told Millbank's son David to come by and see you.

    Eric : David Millbank? Dad, I hated that guy.

    Red : Yeah, well, I hate his dad! But, I smile like hell whenever I see him!

  • Donna : David Millbank? Oh, barf. Eric, remember when you beat him up on the playground?

    Eric : Yep. I kicked his ass.

    Jackie Burkhardt : Wait, wasn't he the kid with scoliosis and asthma?

    Eric : Yep. And I kicked his ass!

  • [Jackie and Kelso have left leaving Eric, Donna, and Fez alone] 

    Fez : Ah, they have finally left. Now it's just the three of us.

    Eric : That's great, Fez.

    Fez : Oh, I get it. If I was gone you two would kiss. Ah, life's a bitch, huh?

  • Donna : Wow, David, you've really grown up!

    David Milbank : Hey, look at you. You have really grown up!

    Eric : Yes, in fact we've all grown up.

    Fez : Yes, but him much more than you have.

  • David Milbank : So! Uh, Donna, are you still writing short stories?

    Donna : Yeah! I still write a little.

    Eric : Well, not every...

    [he turns to her] 

    Eric : You, um, you still write?

  • [after Kelso suggests hitting a guy that's hitting on Donna] 

    Eric : I dunno. If I hit this guy, Donna's just gonna be pissed.

    Kelso : No, man. Chicks dig that stuff! I mean, Leia, right, she acted like she was mad at Han. But I could tell she liked him.

    Steven Hyde : Kelso, man, what are you, an idiot? Leia likes Luke, I mean she kissed him on that bridge!

    Kelso : Uh! Just for luck!

  • [Eric has gotten drunk with Red at a bar, and is calling Kitty for a ride] 

    Eric : Hello, mother? This is your son, Eric. I am not feeling well.

  • [Kitty has invited a neighbor's son over to spend time with Eric] 

    Lance Crawford : Hello, Eric. Your father and I were just discussing how unrealistically space travel is portrayed in "Star Wars".

    Eric : [annoyed]  It was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... look, you either buy it or you don't!

  • [after being caught at Police Academy] 

    Police Officer : What are you doing here? Who are you?

    Eric : They call me Fez...

  • [Hyde puts the "stupid helmet" on Eric's head] 

    Eric : Ooooh, why do I have to wear the stupid helmet?

    Steven Hyde : Because you're stupid!

  • Eric : [pulling down his pants in the driveway]  Who's the prude now? My ass is swinging baby! Woohooo!

  • Eric : [about Eric's unflattering portrayal in Donna's story]  People are going to think I'm really like that.

    Donna Pinciotti : Oh, come on. Nobody's going to think you're like that.

    Girl #1 : [the two girls walk up to Eric]  Cat killer.

    Girl #2 : Bastard.

    Girl #1 : Porn freak.

    [they walk off disgusted] 

    Donna Pinciotti : OK, they could be talking about anybody.

    Steven Hyde : Hey, we're all porn-freak bastards. But he's the only one who killed a cat.

  • Mitch Miller : Eric, I didn't take your action figure.

    Red Forman : [walks by]  Doll.


  • Kitty Forman : [right after Eric accused Mitch of stealing his Darth Vader action figure]  Eric, were you playing in the bathtub with your doll?

    Eric : ACTION FIGURE... uh-oh.

  • Eric : Tell me again Kelso how is this car baby friendly

    Kelso : Because its tiny... like a baby

  • Donna : [after being dumped by Casey; crying]  We should be together.

    Eric : What?

    Donna : [embraces Eric tightly, eyes full of tears]  L-lets just forget all this other stuff.

    Eric : [pushing her away]  N-no. Donna, I can't be your second choice.

    Donna : [voice cracking]  But you're *not*! Eric...

    [he refuses to look at her; heart broken, she leaves] 

  • Eric : You want to know what I did when we were broken up, Donna? Here.

    [gets a box of Star Wars models] 

    Mitch Miller : These all have minor errors in the build. Yeah, he built these all right.

  • Eric : Hyde, without Donna, I've reverted to my natural state. I'm dirty, I'm lazy, and I don't wear pants. I'm like you now.

    Steven Hyde : No, see, I'm an original. You're a convert.

    Eric : Strong words coming from a guy wearing pants.

  • Eric : Mom's making me special sandwiches, Donna's giving me sexy naps... with God as my witness, I will never go hungry or horny again!

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs

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