That '70s Show (1998–2006)
Mila Kunis: Jackie Burkhart
Steven Hyde : Guys, can we do something besides cruise? That's the third time tonight we've driven by that house.
Michael Kelso : I know what we could do. We could go skinny dipping.
[everyone looks at him]
Michael Kelso : Naked! That's the way God intended.
Jackie Burkhardt : No way.
Michael Kelso : Why not? It'd be fun.
Donna Pinciotti : Sure, it's fun for you guys, 'cause you can look at us, and that's a treat. But we just look at you. And that's nasty.
Eric : So, you don't want to do it?
Donna Pinciotti : Well... I don't care. I'll do it.
Eric : You... Okay, I'm in.
Fez : Naked is dirty.
Fez : Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
All : Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
Jackie Burkhardt : [the screen flips. Everyone is in the car, naked] This was such a great idea, Michael. This was so much fun. Oh, wait, except for the part when our clothes got stolen, you idiot!
Steven Hyde : By the way, Fez, nice tattoo, man.
Fez : Thank you. It is the Blessed Virgin of Yorba Linda. Do you want to see her dance?
All : No!
Eric : Guys, we need a plan. I'm not driving up to the house with a car full of naked people. Red hates you guys when you're dressed.
Steven Hyde : We can go to my house.
Michael Kelso : Yeah, your mom's used of having naked guys around.
Steven Hyde : She's not even home, you moron!
[Hyde punches Kelso on the shoulder]
Fez : Put on the top forty.
[Fez reaches over for the radio]
Steven Hyde : Whoa, sit down, Fez! I see London, I see Besticle!
Fez : Well, what do you want me to do about it?
Steven Hyde : I don't know. Tuck it in!
Michael Kelso : I miss Eric.
Jackie Burkhardt : Well, you still have me.
Michael Kelso : It's not the same, Jackie. I can talk to Eric about things that I can't talk about with you.
Jackie Burkhardt : Okay, well like what?
Michael Kelso : Well, for instance, the annoying things you do.
Jackie Burkhardt : Michael.
Michael Kelso : See, I can't talk to you.
Jackie Burkhardt : Eric, no offense, I know she's your sister, but Laurie is such a whore.
Eric : Jackie, not since the "Smokey and the Bandit" debate, are you and I so on the same page.
Donna Pinciotti : Me too.
Steven Hyde : Hear hear.
Fez : Yes.
Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, my God. You all hate Laurie?
Jackie Burkhardt : I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me.
Steven Hyde : ...We all hate Laurie, all right.
[Kelso just found out about Eric being lame in the sack]
Jackie Burkhardt : Michael, I told you about Eric so you could help him, not make fun of him.
Michael Kelso : Yeah, but it's hard to help someone and burn him at the same time.
[Jackie gives him a cold stare]
Michael Kelso : Oh, come on, Jackie, it's funny! I mean, he must have been really bad!
Jackie Burkhardt : So were you.
Michael Kelso : [gaping in horror] OK, I don't think you know what you're saying because you called me your "Apollo Rocket of Love."
Jackie Burkhardt : But the way I said it was
Jackie Burkhardt : "Oh, Michael, you my regular Apollo Rocket of Love."
Michael Kelso : OK, I'm not hearing a difference.
[Steven hits Jackie's new boyfriend because he calls her a bitch]
Jackie Burkhardt : Steven, what happened?
Steven Hyde : What? Nothing... just... somebody and then... the guy said 'bitch' and there's nothing.
Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, my God. He called me a bitch and you hit him. And that's what happened, isn't it?
Steven Hyde : ...No?
Jackie Burkhardt : Liar. I AM the bitch. And you LOVE me.
Jackie Burkhardt : Donna, sex is how we control men. If they know we like it as much as they do, we'll never get jewelry again.
Jackie Burkhardt : Donna, are you OK?
Donna Pinciotti : Yeah.
Jackie Burkhardt : How can you be OK? There's a college *woman* sleeping in Eric's bed.
Donna Pinciotti : Jackie, Eric's sleeping in the basement.
Jackie Burkhardt : Donna, stairs can't stop a high school horn dog. Barbed wire can't stop a high school horn dog. A wall of fire can't stop a high school horn dog.
Steven Hyde : [about Kelso's shirt being in Laurie's room] Say, how'd THAT get there?
Michael Kelso : [trying to cover his affair with Laurie] That's funny. No - This isn't even mine! Yeah, this must be ERIC'S shirt.
Jackie Burkhardt : Your mom sewed your name in it, Michael.
Michael Kelso : Man, Eric's going to be pissed, huh? Yeah, 'cause I borrowed Eric's shirt 'cause mine wasn't working right. And then my mom must've sewed my name in it.
Jackie Burkhardt : Hum, I don't know, Michael...
Michael Kelso : Jackie, if I were lying I'd come up with a lot better lie than that.
Steven Hyde : Yeah, you'd think so.
Jackie Burkhardt : [on the phone] So Barbra Streisand became this huge star, right? But Kris Kristofferson could not take it anymore, so he drinks and drinks and crashes his car. Isn't that romantic?
Fez : [besides Kelso on the phone, Fez is on the phone, and he's telling Kelso what to say] Say, "Yes, it is."
Michael Kelso : [Fez puts the phone by his ear] Yes it is.
Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, I just love romantic movies, don't you?
Fez : [to Kelso] "Yes, I do."
Michael Kelso : [phone by his ear] Yes, I do.
Jackie Burkhardt : You know what would be a good romantic scene in a movie? That night we had a reservoir when we went skinny-dipping. Remember?
Fez : [to Kelso] "No, describe it to me."
Michael Kelso : [phone by ear] No, describe it to me.
Jackie Burkhardt : Michael, you're so bad. Okay, the water was really cold, so when I dove in, well you know.
Fez : No, I don't know.
Jackie Burkhardt : MICHAEL!
Jackie Burkhardt : Oh my god, I told her that, it was me! I saved the day!
Jackie Burkhardt : So, Michael cheated on me with Laurie, and Laurie cheated on him! There is a God, and he's on MY SIDE!
Donna Pinciotti : You have to tell Kelso. If you don't, I will.
Jackie Burkhardt : Thank you, Donna! Thank you! Oh, thank you!
[she runs to the bathroom door]
Donna Pinciotti : Jackie, I don't want to tell him!
[a crash is heard. Donna and Jackie goes out of the bathroom, they see Kelso passed out on the floor while Fez is slapping his face side to side]
Jackie Burkhardt : I think he knows.
Jackie Burkhardt : Look, the sooner you realize I'm a genius, the better off we'll both be.
Fez : Who are you?
Rhonda : Fez, it's me Rhonda.
Fez : So do you want to have a hot-dog eating contest?
Rhonda : No. It's not kosher.
Fez : Who said?
Rhonda : [pointing to Jackie and Donna] They did.
Fez : Oh, really?
[turning to Donna and Jackie]
Fez : What have you meddling whores done to my Rhonda?
Donna Pinciotti : I've got to tell you, Fez it was all Jackie's idea. She wouldn't let her pee.
Jackie Burkhardt : You said she was a sasquatch.
Donna Pinciotti : So did you.
[Kelso just told Jackie a list of embarrassing things he's done in his life, in an effort to be honest]
Michael Kelso : Oh, and that time we were about to fool around, and you asked me if I washed my hands, I had just actually finished playing with six dogs. Oh, but that's not nearly as bad as the time...
Jackie Burkhardt : OK, Michael. Enough. You know when I talked to you about honesty? Let's talk about SELECTIVE honesty.
Fez : And basic hygiene.
Jackie Burkhardt : Androgynous guys are so manly.
[Jackie and Donna need something that's in Kelso's room, so they sneak in at night]
Michael Kelso : [wakes up] Jackie? Donna?
[Jackie and Donna freeze]
Michael Kelso : Is this a dream?
Jackie Burkhardt : Uhh, yeah, Michael. This is a dream.
Michael Kelso : Are we gonna do it?
Jackie Burkhardt : Uhh, yes, Michael. We're gonna do it.
Michael Kelso : Ok. Donna first.
Jackie Burkhardt : Why won't Steven love me? I wish my daddy could buy him for me...
Jackie Burkhardt : Donna's feet are so huge. I was in her room once and I almost fell into one of her shoes. I would never be heard from again.
Jackie Burkhardt : Donna's mouth is as big as her feet.
Jackie Burkhardt : I'd like to pop that inflatable bitch and watch her fly around the room!
Eric : What happened? Did Kelso forget your birthday or something?
Jackie Burkhardt : I'm pregnant.
Donna Pinciotti : [outside. Donna is playing basketball with Eric. She runs and makes a shot, then she tosses the ball to Eric, which it hits his head, then he turns] Eric, you're like a million miles away. What's going on?
Eric : Ok, Donna. I have to tell you something, but you promise you're not going to tell anybody else.
Donna Pinciotti : Dirt! I swear. Now tell me.
Eric : Not here.
[they run in the car]
Eric : [no audio] Jackie's pregnant.
[Donna makes a shocking face]
Fez : Caroline, I have to break up with you.
Caroline : Why? Don't say it's because I'm crazy. I'm not crazy.
Fez : No... um... it's because... Donna and I are in love.
Caroline : WHAT?
Jackie Burkhardt : Ewww...
Fez : Please tell her, Donna... Please?
Donna Pinciotti : [whispers] What if she tries to kill me?
Fez : You're a giant, you can take her.
Michael Kelso : Jackie, when you told me to be honest, I decided that I'm gonna be completely honest. I'm going to tell you the truth about everything I've ever lied to you about. I have a list that Hyde helped me put together. Thanks again, Hyde.
Steven Hyde : [grinning] No problem, buddy.
Jackie Burkhardt : Ok, but, why are they here?
Michael Kelso : Well, Hyde helpfully pointed out, that it's not completely honest, unless your friends are allowed to watch.
[Jackie's dad got arrested]
Red Forman : Look, Jackie. I don't what to say except... your dad's rich, isn't he?
Jackie Burkhardt : Yeah.
Red Forman : Well, you can use that to get him out of prison.
Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, my god. That's such a good idea. I'll do that. You know, it's true. In this country, the rich get treated better than most people.
Red Forman : Yeah.
Red Forman : I'm so glad I took some shrapnel to make that possible...
Jackie Burkhardt : Me too.
Jackie Burkhardt : I want Michael to give me that stupid promise ring.
Fez : Look, Jackie, Kelso is very sensitive.
Steven Hyde : Girlish, even.
Fez : So, he just wants to wait for the right time to give it to you.
Jackie Burkhardt : You know what, Fez? You're right. I'll give him time.
Jackie Burkhardt : WHERE'S MY RING, YOU IDIOT?
[Jackie's dad got arrested]
Jackie Burkhardt : Steven. I can't believe it. Why can't you say anything to make me feel better?
Steven Hyde : Ok, I'm sorry. Why don't you get your dad a couple of cartons of cigarettes. That way, he won't be anybody's wife.
[Jackie starts leaving]
Steven Hyde : Jackie, come on. My mom said that to me when MY dad got arrested. I felt better, and we had a good laugh about it.
Kelso : So! Jackie. You wanna go see Star Wars tonight?
Jackie Burkhardt : God, Michael, I told you. I don't like space.
Kelso : Jackie, if we're gonna start our relationship over, you gotta meet me halfway, honey!
Jackie Burkhardt : Well, maybe I wanna do something else tonight.
Kelso : Like what?
[He stares at her until realization sinks in]
Kelso : God, Jackie! We can do that for the rest of our lives! Star Wars is a limited engagement!
Jackie Burkhardt : If somebody doesn't tell me I'm cute in the next five minutes, my head will explode.
Jackie Burkhardt : Ok, Donna, I got us a double date.
Donna Pinciotti : Who?
Jackie Burkhardt : [points to table] Firemen.
Donna Pinciotti : They're, like, 40 years old.
Jackie Burkhardt : So, what? Don't ruin this for me, Donna. This is just like my play.
[drags Donna to table]
Jackie Burkhardt : This is my friend Donna. She's just being a wet blanket.
Fireman #1 : So, what do you girls do?
Donna Pinciotti : Oh, you know... WE'RE IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Fireman #2 : Okay... What are your interests?
Donna Pinciotti : Oh, you know... HIGH SCHOOL GUYS.
Michael Kelso : A GOOD girlfriend accepts her guy no matter what. Now, Jackie was always trying to change me.
Michael Kelso : Grow up, Michael! Act your age, Michael! Stop shooting grandma with the water pistol, Michael!
Jackie Burkhardt : She's 92, Michael.
Michael Kelso : She had JAM on her FACE!
Kitty Forman : Ok, I need two people with keen feminine sensibilities to decorate Steven's party... so it's Jackie... and Fez.
Fez : Yay.
Jackie Burkhardt : Come on Fez, let's go.
[Fez and Jackie leave]
Donna Pinciotti : What the hell does she mean? I'm feminine. I oughta kick her ass for that...
[the women are playing cards]
Donna Pinciotti : Anybody need any cards.
Jackie Burkhardt : [gives her two cards] I need two fives.
Midge Pinciotti : I need one card.
[Donna gives her a card]
Midge Pinciotti : A five? Oh, here, Jackie. You take it.
Jackie Burkhardt : Donna, you gave her a five? I thought we were friends.
Jackie Burkhardt : Didn't know they let slutballs in here.
Annette : Well, I've seen you in here so I figured it was okay.
Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, you don't know it, but you just burnt yourself.
Annette : Oh, I know it. The question is, do you?
Jackie Burkhardt : I just said I do.
Annette : So do I, so you are too.
Eric : Donna, are you following this?
Donna Pinciotti : Umm... I think one of them's a slutball and one of them knows it.
Annette : I think what we need to do is go talk about Michael.
Jackie Burkhardt : Fine. I'll try to use small words so you can understand me.
Annette : That's NOT going to be good enough.
Jackie Burkhardt : Maybe I do have feelings for Michael, but what am I supposed to do? He WAS my first boyfriend. And you know what? You're going to have to learn to deal with it, and if you can't, and you're going to have to break up with me because of it, I can't stop you. But I think it's a real waste because I love you.
Steven Hyde : [long pause] I'm not saying it back.
Jackie Burkhardt : I DON'T CARE!
[the screen is split in two parts. On top, Donna is talking to Jackie. On bottom, Eric is talking to Kelso]
Eric : I really want to do it with her.
Donna Pinciotti : I don't know if I'm ready to do it with him.
Michael Kelso : I know what you mean.
Michael Kelso : It's Donna.
Jackie Burkhardt : I know what you mean.
Jackie Burkhardt : It's Eric.
Eric Forman, Donna Pinciotti : What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Michael Kelso, Jackie Burkhardt : Nothing.
Eric : I mean, you and Jackie have done it millions of times, right?
Michael Kelso : Oh, yeah. We do it all the time.
Donna Pinciotti : I mean, you and Kelso have done it millions of times, right?
Jackie Burkhardt : No. I let him get to second base once, but that's it.
Michael Kelso : When guys cheat, its because they need some hot action. But when girls cheat it's way worse, 'cause girls don't even like sex.
Jackie Burkhardt : We do too.
Michael Kelso : Well why aren't we doin' it now?
Jackie Burkhardt : Because I don't want to do it right now.
Michael Kelso : I do. Point made. Thank you.
Jackie Burkhardt : Everybody wants their first make-out to be special. Someplace romantic like Ireland, or Disneyworld.
Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, no. I'm not getting a job. Jobs are for poor people. I'm a rich person who doesn't have any money.
Jackie Burkhardt : You know, Steven. This hatred thing you have for me, is just you protecting yourself.
Steven Hyde : Okay.
Jackie Burkhardt : It's true. You're afraid to reach the peaks of love, for fear of being dropped off a cliff. Well, I'm your safety line, Steven. So grab me.
Steven Hyde : Go grab yourself, freak.
Steven Hyde : Let's see what your permanent record says about you, Jackie.
Jackie Burkhardt : Go ahead. I have a perfect record.
Steven Hyde : Does anybody want to know what Jackie's middle name is?
Steven Hyde : Jackie's middle name is...
[Jackie starts attacking Hyde]
Jackie Burkhardt : I hate you! I hate you!
[Hyde is lying on the floor; he slowly gets up]
Steven Hyde : Her middle name is Beula.
Steven Hyde : Look, Jackie. I know you were worried before so I just wanna let you know nothing happened on my end this weekend. I'm not telling you that so you'll tell me what you did. I just wanna let you know what happened with me. That's my report to you.
Jackie Burkhardt : All right. Good to know.
Steven Hyde : Good to know?
Jackie Burkhardt : Did I stutter?
Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, I understand. I mean, it's kind of like... it's kind of like setting your hair. If you don't wait long enough, it's totally flat and blah like Donna's. But if you wait just the right amount of time then it's perfect, like mine. Steven, are you even listening to me?
Steven Hyde : God help me, I am.
Jackie Burkhardt : Hyde, if you want to make out with me, the answer's probably no.
Jackie Burkhardt : [to Donna about Hyde] God, it's so hard being with a real man. Donna, you should be glad you're with Eric.
Jackie Burkhardt : Stop staring at me or I'll kick you.
[Hyde stares, Jackie kicks]
Jackie Burkhardt : Once when Michael cheated on me I got some flowers from a secret admirer and it really cheered me up. I mean, I sent them to myself but it's the thought that counts, right?
Steven Hyde : What is she doing here?
Leo : I think she's hitting on me, man.
Jackie Burkhardt : What are you talking about?
Leo : What are you talking about?
Jackie Burkhardt : What are you talking about?
Leo : What are *you* talking about?
Steven Hyde : Whatever.
Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, great. Steven!
[runs after Hyde]
Leo : What was she talking about?
Donna Pinciotti : Wow, Jackie. After everything you've been through with Hyde, you come here and insult me! You're all better.
Jackie Burkhardt : Well, I'm not going to sit around moping. I'm going to do what every woman does when they hit rock bottom.
Fez : You're going to have sex with me?
Jackie Burkhardt : No, I'm going to go out and meet some boys. And crush their hearts one by one.
Jackie Burkhardt : [drunk] Ah, come back here! Nobody ignores "Jurkie Barkheart." I am adorable, I'm encouraging, and I'm damn likeable and if you're too stupid too see that then I feel sorry for you!
[her dress slides down]
Jackie Burkhardt : 'Cause if anyone should be the center of attention it's me!
Donna Pinciotti : Jackie!
Jackie Burkhardt : [as Donna tries twice to pull Jackie's dress back up, Jackie slaps her hand away] Get off me!
[Donna then whispers in her ear]
Jackie Burkhardt : What the hell is a "boobsout"?
[looks down, screams and runs into the bathroom]